Tonight, two action heroes together at last.
It's Schwarzenegger versus Dench.
Judy, hasta la vista, baby.
I'll be back.
Oh, it's on!
Hello, good evening, you're all so welcome to the show.
Everyone in a good mood?
CHEERING Oh, and so you should be.
We have three reasons to celebrate, ladies and gentlemen.
It's the end of half-term, the kids are returning to school.
CHEERING The clocks go back this weekend, we get an extra hour in bed.
CHEERING And Halloween is just around the corner and all the family can dress up.
CHEERING Ooh, he's a good boy.
Halloween dogs, lovely.
Hey, we've got a scarily good sofa for you tonight.
A classic pop, top comedy, inspirational life lessons, a movie megastar and a dame at the top of her game.
So, let's get some guests on!
Later, with our music from Pop Legends, Duran Duran!
But first, he's not just one of our top stand-ups, he's also an actor who most recently starred in the groundbreaking psychological drama, Clifford The Big Red Dog.
It is Jack Whitehall, everybody!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yay!
There's a sequel.
A sequel's coming.
Yeah, a sequel.
How about that?
He's an inspirational community worker, furniture craftsman, and host of the BAFTA award-winning The Repair Shop.
It's a first-time welcome to Mr Jay Blades!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, sir.
How are you?
Pretty good.
How are you doing?
She is an Oscar-winning star on stage and screen, and we simply couldn't love her any more.
It's always a pleasure to welcome Dame Judi Dench!
And he's a bodybuilding champion, a political powerhouse and a true movie icon.
Now teaching us the seven ways to be useful, it's the mighty Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Have a seat, everybody, too.
Lovely to see you all.
Is there a world in which Dame Judy and Arnold Schwarzenegger have met before?
Have you met before?
We've not met before, no, but, I mean, I've been admiring her on a big screen.
I mean, this is like... As a matter of fact, in the beginning, I have to say, I was somewhat jealous.
Because I said to myself, I mean, here comes this woman and all of a sudden she's doing all these huge action movies.
What is going on here, right?
I love her and it's it's we have some things in common and between the two of us.
We've had eight Oscar nominations and Although they were all hers
But anyway, so this is really great.
It's great to see you.
And for me.
It's great to be here with you.
And for me, too.
Absolutely, yeah.
You really know how to bring people together.
I know.
What a fabulous guy.
This is... I mean, they have Jack here and they have Jay here.
Yeah.
And, I mean, I cannot wait to talk to you about my clock that I want you to fix.
Oh, is it?
Yeah.
It's really wonderful.
I've got someone I could sort out.
Yeah, that's Jay's life now.
This is broken.
Because, of course, Judy and Jay, you know each other.
We do.
Yeah, we do know each other, yeah.
We've known each other for years.
Yeah.
But through the show?
Yeah, through the show.
Dane came on to have something repaired, and we did that for Edinburgh Film Festival, and it was... That was a real joy.
And then we've just hit it off ever since.
Been up her ass to have a spot at dinner and all that kind of stuff.
Oh, yes.
Yeah, it was nice.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it's all right.
What did she give you?
What did the Dane cook?
Oh, I'll tell you what it was.
What did the Dane cook?
That was a question that's never been asked before.
No, we had a lovely... We had something really gorgeous.
Did the dame get in a delivery?
Cut out the dame.
And Jack and Judy, you have a connection.
Yeah, we have a connection because my dad was an agent and in the 80s for about five minutes was Judy's agent.
That's right.
No, it was Michael's agent.
Michael's agent?
Oh, yes.
It was Mikey's agent.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We've had holidays with your dad.
Yes.
We all used to go on holiday together.
Yeah.
Wow.
And Judy actually holds a very significant place in my origin story, because my parents told this story.
It was, like, I think one of the first times they'd ever met, and my mum was a young actress, and she'd gone in to meet my dad, who was an agent, and she was very nervous, and she was in his office, and my dad said that he realised that he'd shut the door behind him when he'd gone into the room, and he didn't want to give off the wrong impression and didn't want this young actress to get the wrong end of the stick, so he said he went over to the door to open the door, just to put her at ease, and as he opened the door,
Judy walked past and looked in and saw my dad and then saw this young actress, my mother, in her little miniskirt and her pixie boots and apparently you turned to my dad and you said, Michael, you dirty old bugger.
Sounds about right.
Listen, we've got so much to talk about tonight, so let's get going.
We're going to kick off with Arnold Schwarzenegger's latest book.
I've got it here.
It is called Be Useful, Seven Tools for Life.
It is out now.
And these rules, I mean, they absolutely make sense.
You know, things like have a clear vision, work your ass off and everything small, all these things.
And don't listen to the naysayers.
I mean, you really had to bring that into play when you decided... ...you didn't just want to be an actor, you wanted to be a movie star.
Well, first of all, you can imagine when you have big dreams.
people always say, this guy's crazy.
And even my parents thought that that was kind of out of my mind, right?
When they said, I want to be a bodybuilding champion.
They said, well, we understand if you want to be a ski champion, we're in Austria.
But you don't want to be a bodybuilding champion.
That's an American sport.
I mean, what are you doing that for?
I mean, you're crazy.
And so they said, no, it can't be done.
And the people around me said, no, it can't be done.
And it's impossible.
Then when I wanted to go into acting, it was the same thing.
They said, it would never happen.
He says there's no one that ever had an accent, a German accent, and they became an international leading man in movies.
It won't happen.
The American people don't accept it.
Other people don't accept it.
So forget about it.
Plus your body.
Look at you.
You weigh 250 pounds.
I mean, this is now the 70s.
That's not the 60s where they made Hercules movies.
Now it's Dustin Hoffman and it is Al Pacino and Woody Allen.
Those are the sex symbols of the 70s.
It was like, you know, so, and the name, Schwarzen-Schnitzler, whatever they said to me, that's too long of a name, no one would be able to pronounce that.
So it was no, no, no.
And so I didn't listen, luckily.
I learned from bodybuilding, I didn't listen to the naysayers.
I had my very clear vision to be another Clint Eastwood.
One of the Charles Bronson, those were the two big action heroes at that time.
It made a million dollars a movie.
It was at the top salary in the 70s.
And so I said to myself, well, why can I not be up there on that ladder with them?
And so they said, you will never be able to climb that ladder.
And I said, OK, then I'm going to create my own ladder and climb that.
And so that's what I did.
I know.
Did you ever think, oh, I can lose my accent, I can sound like an American?
Well, you know...
I did not really have that talent, you know, so even though I had an English coach and an acting coach and a speech coach and an accent removal coach, wow, who has passed away since then, but I mean, you know, I should have otherwise gotten my money back.
The bottom line is, I worked on it, you know.
I remember that when he said, he says, you know, you always say three.
It's not three, it's three with TH.
So he had me say 3,333 and one third with the TH and not with the S. Very good.
Yeah, but I mean, after 5,000 years, right?
And after doing, you know, thousands of reps on it, you know, and I remember we get confused with the Fs and the V and the W. You know, like, we would say, you know, this is a nice vine.
But it's actually wine, right?
So the guy had me say, a fine wine grows on a vine.
So now I ran around with that.
Then we, for instance, you know, he said to me, he says, Arnold, you have to also learn how to say the vibrating Z.
We don't have that in German.
So he said, the sink is made out of zinc.
So I was saying that.
So things like that, I was saying things over and over again.
Just useful phrases.
Yeah, phrases.
It was very helpful, but it didn't get rid of my accent.
But the funny thing is, all of the stuff that they said, the Hollywood producers and the directors and all the geniuses, they were saying that this is an obstacle for me to become a leading man, became an asset.
Because when I did Conan the Barbarian, John Milius, the director, said to the press, if we wouldn't have had Schwarzenegger, we would have had to build one.
Because I was the only one that had the muscles to play that character the way Frank Frazetta painted it, the way Robert E. Howard has written about it.
So the bottom line was, here was a big blast over my body.
And then when I did Terminator, Jim Cameron said, well, it made Terminator work.
And why it became successful was because Schwarzenegger talks like a machine.
The original line in the movie as well was I want your clothes your boots and your zinc sink
That's right, exactly.
It was the original one.
And they rewrote it, yeah.
And Jack Whitehall, am I right, you are using some of R&A's tools for life?
Of course, yes.
I've experienced naysayers as well.
In fact, I've started reading the book and it's amazing, and I read the training regime, and you say, you get up at 5am, you have a coffee, you feed your animals, the dog, the pony, you have a donkey and a pig.
The pig and three dogs, yeah.
And then you get on your bike,
And then you go to the gym and you train for 45 minutes every day, and that's Arnold's, like, morning regime, and I was like, you know what?
I'm on the show with Arnold tonight, I'm going to do it.
Like, today's going to be the first day.
Don't think about it, do it.
So I got up 5am, I had the coffee, I fed my dog.
I'm not going to lie, at that point, I live in Notting Hill, it took me so long to find a donkey, a pig and a pony.
By the time I got to the gym, I had time for, like, five minutes on the treadmill, so I'm going to try again tomorrow.
I love that.
We've got to talk about Schnelli, the pig.
Schnelli.
And the word Schnell means fast.
And so the reason why we gave him that name was because we didn't realise that a pig can run that fast.
He was faster than the dogs.
I've never seen anything like this.
When I called him, I said, Schnelli.
It was like, he runs from way out there in the field, on our property, he runs in within seconds, he's there.
I mean, because when I call him, and in the beginning I didn't even know what to call him, I just called him pig, you know.
But as soon as you call him, he thinks he gets food.
So this is why they are so fast, because they're really into food.
They're into eating all the time.
This is what they do.
So we said, we should call him Schnelli, because he's so fast.
That's how he got the name.
So it's really great entertainment.
I think we've got a picture of Schnelli.
Have we got a picture of Schnelli?
Is Schnelli playing chess?
Well, I was trying to... There was a move that I didn't quite know how to make.
So I said to myself, you know, maybe Schnelli knows a little bit more.
And he would shake his head, you know, if you ask him a question.
I love that you've got special steps for Schnelli to get up on the sofa.
But the funny thing is, I got the steps because I always saw him being hesitant getting up there.
And then when I put the steps there, he walked by the steps and then he jumped up.
Because he got the message that I want him to be on the couch, but I mean, you know, he's really he jumps well and and he grunts all the time, you know, they are very Communicative that they communicate all the time.
It's like
Which is running around like crazy.
And, Arnie, no-one can argue with these seven rules, because they have led to your enormous success, you know, as a bodybuilder, as a movie star, as a politician, and, obviously, that was another big success in your life.
But I wondered, how do you use the seven tools when you come up against a kind of a brick wall?
Like, you cannot become the President of the United States because of the way the rules are written.
The Constitution.
Exactly.
How do these help you cope with with that frustration well, I'm not frustrated about that because I feel as you know
I've been on this show now three times.
Is this the third time or the fourth time?
Fourth time, I think.
The fourth time, yeah.
So I thought this was a record.
And, of course, he told me, he says, no, you have been on this show now.
20 times or something like that.
Jack's hosted it.
You have been on many, many times.
But for you, it's the first time.
It's the first time.
OK, so I still have... You've got an edge on me.
Thank God.
So competitive.
No, but we talked about that, that I'm a positive person and to me everything that I've accomplished is because of America.
And so I am not going to go and worry about the one job I can't do, which is to run for president.
So I'm not going to complain about that.
And I'm absolutely perfectly fine with that.
And they know, the politicians, that I am a public servant, that they don't care who wins, if it's a Democrat or Republican winning.
I will be there to help in any case.
So I will always be there, because to me, my goal now is to make life better for people, to make the world a better place, a safer place, and to fight environmental issues, fight health care issues and education issues and all that stuff.
So I'm always ready to work and to do things for America.
So I don't need to be president.
I'm perfectly fine with that.
OK.
Very good.
Well, while Mr Schwarzenegger is looking to the future, Judi Dench is looking back on her life with The Bard.
This is her new book.
It's Shakespeare, the man who pays the rent.
And it's out now.
And, I mean, you've played so many roles in Shakespeare.
And in the book, you tell a story about a delivery man who came to your house and he'd seen you in something.
Yes, I do have a story about a delivery man who came to the door once when we were in Hampstead, with a parcel, and said, and I opened the door, he said, ''Oh, I know you.''
I said, ''Oh, really?''
He said, ''Yes.''
''Yes, Stratford-on-Avon.''
I said, ''Yes, yes.''
''The Winter's Tale?''
''No, no,'' he said, ''no.''
I said, ''Was it Much Ado?''
''No, no.''
Was it Macbeth?
No, no, no.
Oh, it was the Mayflower Restaurant.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's the way you eat.
But you've now found a way of enjoying deliveries at your house.
Tell us what you do when parcels are delivered.
When a parcel arrives, I have to somehow use the packing of whatever it's in.
I can't explain it.
But things are very, very nicely packed these days, and all sorts of things, and we can't resist it.
Well, here are some examples of Dame Judi Dench using packaging.
Here you are.
LAUGHTER It's a nice hat.
It's a nice hat.
This one, I think, is very flamboyant.
And in the book in the book you have these conversations with actor director Brendan O'Haye But the title the man who pays the rent you came up with that.
Well, yes, it's because When I met Michael my husband we we were in both companies both Shakespeare companies and we did Shakespeare for like four years each of us So he literally was Shakespeare the man who paid the rent.
Yeah, and
And my dad was the man who takes 10% of the rent.
Oh, of course.
And the thing about this book, cos, you know, you're an actor, you've been in a lot of Shakespeare plays, but this is more than someone who's been in plays.
I mean, you know so much about Shakespeare.
Were you surprised that you knew as much as you do about Shakespeare?
Well, that again is Brendan.
That was Brendan O'Hey, an actor who I met at the National, and whose idea it was to come down.
He said, why don't I just come down and record you talking about all the plays you... I don't... It was a book...
Maybe.
I don't know.
Yeah.
You'd have to ask him.
Yeah.
But then, you know, suddenly things... I remembered things, and it sparked off a whole lot of memories.
And he, of course, fed them, and he was simply wonderful about it.
And it was a great pleasure to do it, cos I didn't think a book was at the end of it.
I just thought it was glorious conversations.
Get us out of Covid, really.
And in terms of the amount of Shakespeare roles you've played, how much Shakespeare is constantly in your head?
How much Shakespeare do you carry around?
As much as it is all of us, of course.
We don't realise.
Graham, as you know, we quote Shakespeare all the time, perhaps without knowing it.
But, I mean, also, you only have to go to those plays and be in any kind of those situations, being in love or being jealous or being angry or being whatever, and you will find that there is a way of him summing up that is completely sufficient for what your emotion is.
Yeah.
What passage is on your mind now, Graham?
Well, er... As I can see, it was just on the tip of your tongue there.
..have all occasions to inform against me.
If I mean if I poke you with a stick can you just do a bit of Shakespeare for us if you if you what with a stick I
I'll poke you with a stick.
Touch you gently.
If I touch you gently with a stick, could you do a little bit for us?
Like what?
I don't know, like a bit of a play or a sonnet?
A sonnet, a sonnet.
A sonnet?
I'll do a sonnet.
It's like having a Shakespeare jukebox in the house.
I'll do that.
When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes, I all alone beweep my outcast state.
and trouble death heaven with my bootless cries, and look upon myself and curse my fate, wishing me like to one more rich in hope, featured like him, like him, with friends possessed, desiring this man's art and that man's scope, with what I most enjoy contented least, yet in these thoughts myself almost despising, happily I think on thee.
And then my state, like to the lark at break of day arising from sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate.
For thy sweet love remembered, such wealth brings, that then I scorn to change my state with kings.
Wow.
That is spellbinding.
Really, it's gorgeous.
Unbelievable.
I know.
Unbelievable.
I mean, there's more dialogue than I had in all my movies altogether.
LAUGHTER If you now do, I'll be back.
LAUGHTER
But Arnie, you did do a little bit of Shakespeare in a film.
Yes, it was in Last Action Hero.
Yes.
Yeah, exactly.
Oh, classic.
Yes.
You gave a bit of Hamlet, I believe.
That's right, exactly.
Do you remember what you did?
I think it was To Be or Not To Be.
And then I added the line, not to be, and we blew up the castle in the background.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Do you talk about how you sort of you wrote the book through talking to Brendan?
He wrote the book.
Okay, but you you spoke great chunks of it Well, we had a conversation.
They're just conversation.
Yeah, it's a bit one-sided Judy to be honest.
It's mostly
But, Jay, when it comes to writing your books, you also... You speak them.
I speak them, yeah, cos I'm not good at writing, not good at reading.
So, all of my books, all three of them, I've spoke to someone and he just writes them.
So, it's basically... The way he does it is he writes what I say and he puts it into a sentence.
So, a lot of the books that I do, it sounds as if I'm talking.
He's done it brilliantly, because it really does sound like you're talking.
I mean, there's, you know, there's some swearing.
There's swearing in there, yeah.
Apologies for that.
Oh, no, sorry.
I've got a bit in mind.
Have you got swears as well?
Oh, that's a lie.
So this is Jay's book.
This is Life Lessons.
It's out now.
Wisdom and Wit from Life's Ups and Downs.
Now, these are lessons that you've learnt in your life.
And, like, by anybody stretching their budget, it has been a challenging life.
Yeah, my life has been very, very challenging.
I mean, it's been unbelievable.
Even just writing it down, even being here, I'm sitting on the sofa.
This is quite amazing.
Like, you've got... Look at this.
And I'm sitting here, and then... You're so sweet, you're so sweet.
It's unbelievable.
The things that I've done in the time that I've done it has just been phenomenal.
And then looking back at the beginning of my life and then the charity stuff and then all of the mistakes I've made, I've kind of put them into a book and just basically said, these are the life lessons that I've learnt along the way.
Because, I mean, I knew you had a very, very tough childhood and early life, but I didn't realise that as recently as, like, 2015, there was a real low in your life.
Yeah, I think in 2015, everything had flopped for me.
The charities I was running, the relationship I was in, the marriage I was in, it just went to pot.
And my mission was basically to drive up the motorway and find a bridge and just crash into it.
That was it.
My naivety didn't tell me that every bridge has a barrier.
around it.
So, basically, I wasn't successful.
Ended up in Wolverhampton, sat in a car park for about a week, then came out, smelt really, really badly, so decided to go and have a wash.
When I came back to the hotel, there was five people waiting for me, there was two police officers and, like, three kind of, like, psychiatric nurses, and they'd done a questionnaire for me and what have you.
And it was only when they said to me,
We don't have to section him.
And then I was looking and thinking, well, who are you sectioning?
Because I've worked in that industry before.
And then they said, well, we don't have to section you.
We believe that he's going to be a harm to yourself and others and so on and so forth.
So they left me alone and then...
It left me alone, and then a young gentleman, and he's here, I don't know where he is in the audience, and I'm glad I don't know where he is in the audience.
But it's a gentleman who came and said to me that he's going to take me under his wing.
And it's the first time that I ever cried in front of another man.
I mean, I cried as if I hadn't cried for 45 years.
And it was just, like, non-stop.
And the thing that he said to me, which was just, like, it was mind-boggling, and I still remember it to this day.
I remember him saying to me, like, oh, I've got a job for you.
And I thought, this is the weirdest job interview I've ever had.
I stink from high heaven, haven't washed in a week, and I'm crying my eyes out.
And then he just took me to his offices to talk about a community project that he had.
But he did say something to me.
He said, I'm going to look after you until you're back on your feet.
And still to this day, I still live.
I think he's in the audience there.
So basically, you stayed with him.
Yeah.
I stayed with him for... Well, I stayed with him for two weeks, and then he put me to live with his mum and his stepdad, and they've looked after me like you wouldn't believe.
And he said he would look after me until I'm back on my feet.
I've done a few things, I've been quite successful, and he still has me in his fold.
What a beautiful, generous, amazing thing to have done.
What's your name, sir?
Jez Bailey.
Round of applause for Jez Bailey.
Gorgeous.
Everyone should be so lucky I'm really really lucky.
There's people I've met that I'm just um, I'm over the moon with and Having someone like Gerald in my corner.
It's just been phenomenal I think the comfort that they've given me and the kind of secure blanket of a family in a community up there in Wolverhampton It's just allowed me to just fly because you have to think I think 2015 I was looking for that bridge
15 to 16 I went through therapy then I started filming I think 2017 the repair shop come and then it's just like whoa it's It's phenomenal.
I mean, it's crazy.
It's such a happy happy ending the repair shop.
I don't know Arnie Are you aware of the repair shop what it is?
I'm aware because I always
try to find out who are the guests.
Then I heard from various different people that loved your show and the work that you do and teaching the kids and all that.
And I said to myself right away, wait a minute, I have a clock at home.
So in 1968, when I moved to America, there was this unbelievable thing, you know, and by the way, what he was talking about is there's no such thing as a self-made man.
because we all get help from somebody.
And this is why what you just said really touches my heart because it's so true that we all get help.
And this is the only way we can make it if we get that help from everybody.
I remember in 1968 when I moved to America, there were these bodybuilders.
They didn't even know me.
They just got to know me in the gym.
And then all of a sudden, it was Thanksgiving Day.
And I didn't even know what Thanksgiving Day was, right?
And so the next thing I know is they came over to my apartment, and they started bringing me silverware, and dishes, and bed sheets, and a black and white TV with antenna, the old antenna sticking out and all that stuff.
And one woman brought me a wooden kind of
that you put on the end table a clock.
Yeah.
An alarm clock.
Right.
And, you know, that plays music and has a radio in it and all that stuff.
Oh, yeah.
And so, by now, I have had this still on my end table.
Right.
But it doesn't work quite well any more.
OK.
So, it's kind of... Perfect.
He's done a brilliant sales pitch.
No, but the light... You can come.
You can come and get it fixed.
The light inside is dimmed so there's bright any more.
How good is that episode going to be?
Arnold Schwarzenegger kicking down the door to the barn as a repair shop.
And do your show.
I'm going to deliver my radio, my old 55 year old radio.
They will do it.
Arnie, they will do it.
Yeah, no, I'll deliver it.
But you have to come with it.
You have to come with it.
Of course I'll come with it.
What's the matter with you?
Yeah, what's the matter?
And then I know that everyone that always gets their items back, their clocks or their watches, or if it's the royal family or whoever it is, famous or not so famous, everyone always cries because everyone is emotionally attached to this old stuff.
If it's your father's watch or your grandfather's pocket watch or whatever, then people cry.
Will you cry?
I said to myself, I'm going to go there with my Terminator glasses on.
Because on paper you would think, oh you're just fixing things, why is anyone crying?
But it is so emotional when you watch it.
Were you surprised at how emotional people get?
I wasn't really surprised.
I think it came to me when we'd done the first one, I think it was 2017, we was filming, it was really, really cold, and I remember there was a lady brought in a piano stall, and basically she said to me, cos my kind of trademark is just to paint one leg pink, so she said to me before she was leaving, she was cracking a joke, Jay, don't paint the leg pink.
I don't want it to be pink, I want it to be left as it is.
And I was like, OK, no problem.
So when she came back in, me and Will, we had it covered over, there was a cloth over the actual piano stall, and she was saying,
Like, I hope you haven't painted this pink and da-da-da-da-da.
She was really going into one.
So I said, all right, you're gonna see it.
And as soon as we lifted it up, she put her hand on it and she just started crying.
It was just really phenomenal.
It was something that I'd never had experienced before in my life.
And I said to Will, just go over and hug her.
And that's when I turned to the director after and I said, this show's really gonna be powerful.
Judy, were you a fan of the repair shop before you went on it?
We've been fans since it kind of began.
Yeah.
And then we went on it, and they got Michael's watch back.
Yeah, that's right.
At Edinburgh, didn't they?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Edinburgh.
Yeah, it was up in Edinburgh.
It was.
So, it's very, very special.
It's so good.
And absolutely people crying.
Yeah.
I had to ban it in my house.
Really?
Yeah, I love it.
I love a pear shop so much.
But because it's so emotional, well, because my problem is, you mentioned that you're not a big crier.
I am a very big crier.
Yeah.
I cry at anything and everything, like funerals, weddings.
I cried the other day at an episode of Tipping Point.
Wow.
You've got a bad point.
It's really bad.
OK.
And so, you know, to give it some context as well, seven weeks ago, my girlfriend just gave birth to a little baby girl.
Go on, a round of applause.
No, it's not mine, but... We think she is.
No, not we think, she is my daughter.
Anyway.
So, I'm watching this episode of Tipping Point, and it was a couple of weeks before the baby was due, and I'm watching this episode, and it was about this woman that was trying to win the jackpot so she could pay for a flight to see her sister in New Zealand, and honestly, I'm watching it, and she wins the jackpot, and I'm like Paul Gascoigne in Natalia 90,
Waterworks like undignified levels of crying and then I had this awful thought was like if I'm crying an episode of tipping point and then I don't cry at the birth of my daughter I'm a monster
In my head, so I can't watch anything emotional.
I need to be careful about what I watch on TV obviously in the end I had nothing to worry about because my baby girl arrived and I was just like it was like the most emotional episode of repair shop to the power of Mufasa dying in Lion King
I handed this baby and the bomb was, like, instant.
Even though when they first come out as well, sorry, no-one warned me of that, that when the baby first comes out, they don't, like... How can I put this in a nice way?
They look a bit odd, like, they... No, she looks amazing now and she's so beautiful, but, like, when they first come out of the oven, they don't look Starbaker quality.
And I was handing this little thing and I was like, oh, my God, I think maybe it needs to go back in the oven at a lower heat for 10 minutes.
And they were all in your face, the nurses, like, oh, do you think she looks like Daddy or Mummy?
I'm like, right now, all I'm getting is Wayne Rooney.
Seriously, it was very emotional.
So now I can watch Repair Shop again.
You can watch it now.
So, Elsie.
Elsie.
Elsie, seven weeks old.
And was Elsie always the name you were going to go for?
No, to be fair, it was a little bit of a battle.
Oh, there.
Wow, that's very sweet.
What was Chelsea Roxy's choice of name?
Roxy's choice of name was... No, it was also my choice of name.
I basically had a month before the baby arrived where there was a lot of me trying to spike inappropriate name suggestions of Roxy's.
Like what?
Well, there was one, this was, like, a couple of weeks before baby arrived and she came into the bedroom, Roxy, and she was like, OK, I was thinking, if it's a girl, Phoenix.
I was thinking, over my dead body.
She was like, why?
Phoenix is a cute name.
It's a sweet name.
I was like, I think Phoenix sounds like a stripper name.
And she went, how would you know that?
I was like, um, I don't know.
I've never been to a stripper in my life.
But we should probably do some due diligence if we're going to call our child this name.
So I was like, can we Google it, please?
She was like, Google what?
I was like, I don't know, type in top 10 stripper names.
Then we had this weird moment.
We're at home.
She's got all the baby name books out, and I'm on Google typing in top 10 stripper names.
There is a website with the top ten stripper names, and to be fair to her, Phoenix was not on it.
Do you know what number one was?
Roxy.
Oh, no!
You don't want to see.
She'll want me to add that she's called Roxy cos her dad named her after his favourite song, which is actually quite sweet.
She also suggested that.
She was like, we could go that route.
I was like, we're not calling our kid Mambo number five.
Not happening.
Now, as luck would have it, you know, a new baby at home.
Yeah.
Daddy on tour.
No incidents.
Yeah, I'm still on tour, yeah.
This is the sort of the third leg of the tour.
I did some shows in the beginning of the year and then in the summer and now I've extended it and I'm doing a couple more shows around the UK and finishing up in Wembley in December.
I know.
Settle Down is the name of the tour.
And you started this tour before Elsie.
Yes.
So has it changed a lot since Elsie arrived?
Yes, there's been a bit of a mad kick-bollock scramble to rewrite it and add in some new material about Elsie's arrival, which I always feel a bit guilty about.
I was doing jokes about her before she'd even arrived.
I was like, this poor child doesn't even exist yet, and I'm already making punchlines about her in the set, but I guess that's the problem with having a comedian as a dad.
That'll be it.
And we've talked a lot tonight about kind of life advice and things.
Have you had a lot of advice from parents?
The vast majority of parents that you ask, I've found there's, like, no middle ground when you're, you know, talking to parents about having kids.
Like, one end of the spectrum, you have parents that talk to you about, like, having a child with this, like, demented enthusiasm.
Yeah, yeah.
They're like, oh, the miracle of childbirth.
Like, they're the only people to have ever done it.
You know, you've got to get one, it's going to change your life.
Yeah.
We say they're like people with air fryers.
It's just a bit...
You've got that end of the spectrum, and then in the other end of the spectrum, you've got those parents that talk to you like they're, like, Vietnam War veterans.
And they're, like, 1,000 yards stare, and they're covered in baby suit, and they're like, don't do it, man.
I had one of them, I had one of the non-vet parents at a wedding.
I was sat next to her at a wedding and she was quite drunk and she just launched into me with a load of uninvited life advice.
She was like, you need to make the most of your life while you can because I'm going to tell you what's going to happen, Jack, is you're going to get married and then you're going to have a baby and your life is going to be over.
I was like, thanks for the pep talk, Mum.
I'm just going to go to the dance floor now and give you a little bit of time to yourself.
Very quickly, Jack, we've got to mention Bad Education, Christmas special.
Leighton Williams was here last week.
Oh, amazing.
How talented is he?
So this is full musical?
All singing, all dancing, Christmas special.
Leighton is very much the star of the show.
I don't know why I'm in the middle of the picture.
I have a fleeting cameo.
Yeah, that's coming out on the BBC at Christmas.
And you've just started filming a new documentary, Fatherhood.
Fatherhood with my father.
Oh, I thought I was... Fatherhood with my father.
Flogging the dead horse with my father.
No, the...
Yes, I'm doing a documentary about fatherhood.
And, yes... And who's that for?
That's for Netflix.
I'm doing four episodes for Netflix and it's a sort of documentary where I discover, you know, everything there is to know about parenting and being a father.
What is the main thing that you've learned since you have a child now?
Oh, no, I... Well, I... I'm at the beginning of this journey.
Can I throw it back to you?
What advice would you give me?
Put that cookie down!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE I think that the important thing... Well, my wife and I, we kind of split up the responsibilities.
Yeah.
She was in charge of education and of making them really good human beings.
Yeah.
And... I'll let my girlfriend take that one.
Yeah.
But I was in charge of the discipline.
And so I made the kids, you know, I taught them how to turn off the lights when they leave the room, not to waste water, because, you know, we have droughts in California, how to wash their own clothes.
At the time, they were, like, five, six years old.
They had to wash their own clothes and their bedsheets and make their own beds.
Five and six, yeah?
Make their own beds, yeah, absolutely.
And so I taught them how to do that.
My wife did not know how to do that, but, I mean, it doesn't matter.
Be firm with us.
I knew how to do that.
And because I lived long enough by myself, I always washed my own clothes.
And I also learned in the military how to iron, how to sew on buttons, and how to sew things and stuff like that.
So I kind of used all of that.
And when we went skiing, my kids started crying after one run.
And they said, can we get hot chocolate?
And it would be cold.
And I said, there would be no hot chocolate.
Yes.
We're gonna do four runs, and then after four runs, there will be hot chocolate.
So we were out there for an hour and a half, we were skiing, and then we were getting the hot chocolate, and they were crying.
But the interesting thing...
The interesting thing about it is that the day my kids, even though they were crying then, but the day they come to me every single winter, when we go skiing and they go skiing with their friends, they come to me and say, thanks very much, Dad, for making us ski hard, because we are skiing much better than any of our friends.
We can ski anything.
We love that you did that.
Thank you very much.
And they're doing now.
Katherine has a daughter that's three years old, and she's already making her ski.
And she says to her, there will be no hard charcoal.
OK, it is time for music.
This Birmingham-bred band, yes, have sold over 100 million records and last year were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Here performing Black Moonlight from their latest album, it is Duran Duran!
We are on procession with the crucial, with the wilds
The rhythm of your drama on the wall Fire of desire, paint your shadow face for war Hold tight, we're going out tonight
Attraction, impassion We're nearly there Hold tight We're going out tonight Under the black moonlight Move till we're out of sight Into the black moonlight
Thank you.
A round of applause everybody!
So great to see you.
Thank you so much.
To meet everybody, this is Daphne, Judy, Arnie.
Hello, lovely to see you.
This is Nick, Daphne, Judy, Arnie.
Here we go.
OK.
Thank you so much for that.
A lot of love for Duran Duran in the room.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The new album dance macabre and now other bands have brought out Christmas albums.
Is this the first ever Halloween album?
I think it is.
It must be.
I definitely think it is.
Yeah, so why a Halloween album?
What was the idea?
It was Nick's baby.
His second child.
We actually played a show in Las Vegas.
Las Vegas on Halloween was just too irresistible.
And we thought, well, let's theme it.
So we did some songs that were, you know, roughly Halloween.
Simple things like Psycho Killer, Spellbound.
And they turned out really well in the show.
So we said, let's go in the studio.
Let's just make the record, you know, make a proper record instead of a live one.
I think we've got a picture.
Is this the night you did the show?
Yeah, that's us.
Is that Vegas?
Looking good.
And is Halloween, like, big in your lives anyway, or is this... Obviously, it's for you, Nick.
It's always a bit of a blot on my birthday week.
Of course, it's Simon Le Bon's birthday, everybody!
He's got the cue!
It was on time.
It's my birthday, and it's also my father's birthday today.
So, honestly, happy birthday, John Le Bon.
Dad.
Jean-Lebrun!
Jean-Lebrun.
That's a great name.
Mum-Dad is the kids' name.
And Halloween is a big... I mean, it's a big deal here, but in America, it's a big deal.
Do you do a lot of Halloween, Arnold?
Huge.
Believe me, I used to go with my kids from house to house, trick-or-treating, and it's really... It's really a huge thing.
The kids love getting dressed up and everyone gets dressed up.
They have Halloween parties where everyone comes dressed up and stuff, so it's really a big, big deal down there, yeah.
And if people come trick-or-treating to Dame Judi Dench's house, do they get something?
No, I get a fright.
They just come and do something and I get a terrible fright.
No.
So, don't.
I think that's what Judi's saying.
Don't.
I'm going to dress up as Arnold this year.
For Elsie's first ever Halloween, me as the Terminator.
Yeah.
Put down the hot chocolate.
I just thought they should have children flying down a mountain, going... That's exactly right.
Duran Duran, thank you so much for coming in to do that performance.
It was fantastic.
Dance For Carb is the name of the album.
And happy birthday, Simon Levine!
Thank you.
That is it for tonight.
No time for red chairs.
Please say a huge thank you to all of our guests tonight.
Duran Duran!
Jack Whitehall!
Jay Blades!
Dame Judi Dench!
And Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Join me next week with pop sensation C-Math, actor Greta Lee, music legend Boy George, Succession star Sarah Snoop, and the one and only Miriam Margulies.
I'll see you then.
Goodnight, everybody.
Bye-bye.
If you're suffering distress or despair and need support, including urgent support, a list of organisations that can help is available at the BBC Action Line website, or you can call for free to hear recorded information on 0800 066 066.