‐ ‐♪ What do you see?
‐ ‐♪ And a tree
Alanis, it's official.
In t‐minus three days,
I'm catching the bouquet. For fun.
It's a wait and see on marriage right now.
Oh, that's right, the big wedding.
The biggest wedding.
Wolf and Honeybee? Everyone's excited.
Dad even invited Dell as a "platonic friend‐date"
and I saw him a‐with ChapStick.
Isn't it "platonic"? Get it? 'Cause it won't be.
Oh, yeah. It seems like he might be thinking about
doing a close‐proximity smile or some‐‐
mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah‐‐ smooching.
You know, my big romance with you know who‐lier
started with a close‐proximity smile.
I was eating tiny meatballs at craft services on set
when this weirdo tapped me on the shoulder
with a Woodchuck puppet.
Alanis, I would love to talk about him again,
but I'm kind of needed at the boat for wedding prep.
So, let's, uh, let's put a pin in it.
I used to put a pin in his Full House doll,
and then he crashed his car.
Okay, final checklist list‐check for Honeybee Shaw's
Titanic ‐themed wedding, setting sail this Saturday.
I love Titanic because it features
the sexiest actress alive: Kathy Bates.
Ooh, her performance in Misery?
She hobbled her way right into my heart.
Okay. Ready to check, Beef?
Aye, aye, Captain Bee. Moon?
Is the Brain Billy Zane axe booth ready?
Does that answer your question?
Check, but don't use up all of our Zanes.
Ham, how's the cake‐planning coming?
Well, it's getting deliciously dangerous over here.
There's three layers but only one fondant rescue boat.
Hope nothing goes horribly wrong.
Cake, check. Judy‐bee? What's your status?
May I present the largest and most elegant chip and dip
in the world,
James Cameron's Snack‐tanic.
Meant to hold ten varieties of salty savories,
with four different hummuses in her smoke stacks.
Loose lips sink chips.
Ah! I can't wait for my family
to see all of this when they get here.
Just asking again, everybody's sure about
having a wedding themed around a major disaster?
We could base it on a more cheerful boat movie
like Captain Ron, or Hope Floats?
I'm not worried at all.
This isn't a transatlantic voyage, it's a wedding.
And it's gonna be perfect.
Oh, excuse me a moment. Yes, this is Ms. Shaw.
So you're saying James Cameron politely declines my invitation?
Oh, not politely? Understandable.
I'm just trying to find someone from the movie
to show up as a surprise for my fiancé.
Do you have Mr. DiCaprio's cell by cha‐‐ Oh, she's gone.
Psst. Judy.
Oh, hey. It's W...
...oman issues. Ouchie. Ah.
Uh, I have to leave now because I have those woman issues
that I was just talking about and, frankly,
it's totally natural and I love it, so...
I love when Judy gets real with us.
- Did they suspect anything? - Nope.
I exited very smoothly with a perfect lie about my vagina.
Smart. I do the same thing, only lying about my butt.
It's why everyone thinks I have chronic diarrhea.
Joke's on them. I only have frequent diarrhea.
Good to know. Now what's going on?
This is what's going on.
Oh, a late RSVP to the wedding and it's a maybe.
So someone isn't sure if they're coming to the wedding‐‐
no big deal‐‐ and it's from Kathleen Tobin?
Oh, my God! Mom? What?
- What?! - "What" is right.
A‐And also, no frickin' way.
- A‐And what? - Oh, and she checked
that she wants the steak, fish and vegan entrees?
Is that even allowed?
No, it is very much not allowed.
Oh, I mean, I guess in a weird way, in my mind,
I've always pictured Mom at my wedding, but in reality,
- I think it would be very, very bad. - Ugh, it is.
Mom's a wrecking ball. Especially at big events.
She can't stand it if it's not about her.
Remember at my ice‐skating competition
when Mom farted into the microphone
because they wouldn't give her a trophy?
Oh, this is all my fault.
I must've accidentally included her address
on the invite spreadsheet.
I thought I was amazing at mail merge macros,
but it turns out, I am not amazing at mail merge macros.
I'm headed to the supermarket. You cuties need anything?
Not now, Londra!
- Okay. - This is not your fault, Wolf.
You're right. It's Mom's fault for being
the frong‐dong frog dong's worst.
Just when things were getting back to normal
and we're about to add a beautiful cup of honey
to our Tobin tea, Mom has to come back
and fart up the room again?
Frickin' nards. Nards so hard.
And Honeybee's family is coming.
They're probably perfect like her.
- What are we gonna do? - Honeybee can't find out.
Uh, the last thing I want is her worrying about this
on our wedding day. We can't tell Dad.
He's come so far since Mom left.
Also, Ham and Moon might not be able to take
the emotional turmoil of seeing our crap‐tastic mom
after all this time.
It's official: we cannot tell anyone
Mom is maybe coming to the wedding!
- What? - Mom's coming to the wedding?
One Flew Over the Poo Poo's Nest.
We are so bad at secrets.
Okay, gang,
thanks for meeting me in the panic room
so Dad wouldn't find us. Judy?
Okay, we need to figure out if Mom's actually coming
because all of our careful wedding planning is at risk.
All right, pull up Mom's blog.
That's a picture of Mom's wedding dress.
- Why does it say "MBA" on it? - "Male Body Admirer."
It's in pretty good shape considering it's edible.
Oh, man. And she laid it out on a bed.
That's what women in movies do with outfits
they're gonna wear for big events.
Oh, look, a "contact us" number.
And it's disconnected.
Okay, so she must have a new burner phone.
Oh, my God, and there's no way to get ahold of her.
Oh, God, I'm freaking out. Oh, she's gonna ruin my wedding.
I'm not gonna get married.
Wolf, this doesn't mean she'll show up, okay?
You know what she's like. She's a flake.
She would've missed my birth if it was medically possible.
Let's just sign your phone up to get blog updates
so we can track her movements, eh?
You're right, yeah, you're right.
The next blog update will probably be her at Hersheypark
pretending to take a dump in the chocolate fountain.
Uh‐huh. And in the meantime,
let me just add, we do not talk about this.
Because if Dad finds out,
he'll explode and melt down at the same time.
And it's gonna be like...
And his eye will start doing that tight twitchy thing.
‐ ‐Hey!
Oh, there you kids are.
Hey, uh, Dad. Uh, y‐yeah.
We were just, uh, reading the whole Internet
in the panic room as a family, but, uh, we're all finished.
Wow, that is impressive.
It seems like every day there's a new AltaVista page.
Anyways, I'm working on my wedding outfit.
I sewed a collar onto this novelty tuxedo T‐shirt.
Can you tell it's not a real tuxedo?
I can't. Oh, if I wasn't already marrying Honeybee, I'd propose.
Okay, so your name is Victor Garber,
but you are not the actor Victor Garber
from the movie Titanic.
Oh, you're in second grade? Okay.
No, I agree, math is hard.
Yeah, I like trains. Okay, I'm gonna go now, Victor.
Mm‐hmm, I love you, too.
You know, Billy Zane
gave me mouth‐to‐mouth once
when I choked on a dried apricot at a jazz festival.
- Uh... - Judy, that story
at least deserved a "Wow."
What's bugging you?
I think my mom is coming to town,
which is terrible, for so many reasons.
Most especially that she'll ruin Wolf's wedding.
What I really wish is that there was a way
we could just move the whole town.
But it's like, I don't know, do you think
people would be up for that?
Or you could just have a shadow wedding.
Is that where two shadows get married?
I love it, it's gorgeous.
Ugh, and then I'm thinking about it,
I'm just not sure how it would help.
Oh, Judy. So much to learn from me.
A shadow wedding, or really any shadow event,
takes place at the same time as the actual event,
but, key difference, it's for all the people
you don't want at the actual event.
Hmm. Go on.
I will. I myself have been shadowed
on multiple occasions, and it's very effective.
I honestly don't know if I've ever met the real version
of my ten‐year‐old nephew Jandon.
Well, if it would protect Wolf's wedding,
it's definitely worth considering.
Oh, Judy, everything's worth considering.
Even that grown man with bare feet riding
the children's carousel.
He's a pass for me right now, but who knows about the future?
And that's a shadow wedding. Any questions?
Sounds insane. I'm in.
Hey, we're gonna have to work overtime to protect Dad
and my queen‐bee‐to‐be from Mom.
Luckily, Honeybee's been so busy with wedding stuff,
she hasn't suspected anything weird yet.
And that's how we'll keep it. But under no circumstances
can Dad find out that Mom is probably on her way here
to ruin the wedding and stomp all over his heart.
- What? - Not again.
- Sisterhood of the Traveling Turds. - Kathleen.
It's the silence between the moans that's most distressing.
Hello, children.
I was just taking a nap, but I am fine now.
I've pushed all the other naps I want to take deep down
so they won't ruin Wolf's upcoming wedding.
Great, because the wedding train is leaving in 48 hours,
and I need my dad on my caboose.
Choo choo, son.
- Oh, no. No, no, no. - Oh, no. What?
There's a new post to Mom's blog.
Oh, God. Mom's on a flight.
And she's already three plane‐aritas deep.
Do you feel that, children?
The way the wind has stilled in the pines,
and the caribou no longer utters its lonely howl?
She is set upon us.
Okay. I was wondering what was up
with the wind stilling in the pines.
I was looking for the actress Kathy Bates.
But you're a drag queen insult comic named Kathy Berates?
Hmm. I mean, it's not a no.
Hold on, I got to take this.
Hello? Oh, my gosh.
You sound exactly how you sounded in the movie.
And you can actually come?
Oh, I feel so powerful.
This must be how the iceberg felt.
Okay, shadow wedding.
We need three things: location, actors and decorations.
And guess what? I know where we can go for each.
Dad, your involvement is not to be involved at all.
The last thing we need is you seeing Mom
at the shadow wedding and falling under her spell.
But there is a task that's perfect for you to take on.
You can give Honeybee's family a tour of Lone Moose's hot spots
and keep them distracted while we do this.
Be our man on the outside.
Honeybee is picking them up at the airport as we speak.
I'm on it. I could take them to the bowling alley
and show them your great‐grandmother's trophies.
Then I could take them to our backyard,
and show them her grave.
And we could stop for a nice lunch in between.
Okay, hands in the middle, everyone.
On three, everyone say,
"Do a shadow wedding, trick Mom,
"save Honeybee and Wolf's marriage,
and everyone lives happily ever after."
- One, two, three. - Do a shadow wedding.
- Trick Mom. Save Honeybee and Wolf's marriage. Kathleen.
- And everyone lives happily ever after.
- ...happily ever after. - Perfect.
Tobins, this is the Shaws.
- A hug for you. - Louis Shaw, pleased to meet you.
Well, I'm gonna go spend some me time
finishing up the wedding prep.
- Have fun, guys. - Enjoy your she time.
And the four of us have to go do something very normal
and nobody should be concerned about it.
Why would they? That's boring.
Okay, bye‐bye.
Welp, that just leaves us, then.
Today I'm gonna take you on a guided tour
of Lone Moose's finest attractions.
The van is all warmed up and I made you each
a personal thermos of hot chocolate.
- Thank you, Keith. - Uh, it's, uh, Beef.
No, that's not a name.
You know, Beef, as owners of a curtain shop ourselves,
I'd love to see an Alaskan window covering store.
- If you have one. - Oh, sure, we
could stop by Count Drape‐ula.
Now everyone buckle up.
I always drive safely, but if I see any gorgeous
natural scenery, I may gently tap the brakes
so that we can partake.
Welp, the Shaws were riveted by the tour.
And I learned that the inventor of the curtain rod
was coincidentally named Rod.
- He was also a murderer. - Aw, what fun.
Now let's go over the shadow wedding plan one last time.
We'll park the Mighty Kathleen
and the newly decorated shadow wedding boat on opposite ends
of the dock, where they aren't visible to each other.
- When Mom arrives... - My true love
and the most handsome teen in Lone Moose, Crispin‐‐
love you, Big C‐‐ will be there to head her off
with three complimentary glasses of champagne.
Which will instantly
send her to the "party zone,"
where she is, you know, less apt to question anything.
Crispin will then golf‐cart her to the shadow wedding boat.
Where we'll be waiting along with the shadow guests
and wedding party played by Judy's improv troupe.
I'll escort Mom to her seat
in the front row and await my bride,
who is being played by Zoya.
Hello. We make wedding now?
From there, the wedding begins.
And it goes perfectly.
Then we all make our exit to head
to the real wedding as the boat sets sail with Mom,
Zoya and all the shadow guests aboard
for the quote, unquote "reception."
Bon voyage, B words!
And once the shadow wedding boat is on the water,
if Mom asks anyone where her family went,
they know to say, "They went‐a thatta way," while gesturing
- with their thumbs like in the Three Stoog‐ies. At the end of the night,
when we've pulled it all off, we'll have a happy Honeybee,
a bamboozled Mom and two perfect weddings.
Any questions? No? Okay, great.
I grabbed this wedding dress from the drama wardrobe closet
at school from when we did M. Butterfly. Wolf?
Could you snow‐machine this over to Zoya's house?
Oh, man.
What are we doing?
Looking at this perfect costume wedding dress
that isn't for my actual bride
makes me realize that even though
Mom's not here, she's still got us running around
like a bunch of chickens with our butts cut off.
I don't want to start my marriage off
with a bunch of bing‐bong lies to my wife.
I need to tell her that Mom said yes
and we're doing the shadow wedding.
We got to come clean to the Shaws that I'm going
to be marrying two women in one day
because we're basically a band of no‐good grifters
with a terrible family secret!
- What?! - Oh, no.
- Oh, boy. - Keith!
Oh, good, now they already know.
And then Mom pantsed the sheriff when she couldn't
calm down at my science fair.
And then she took his gun.
I had to give my ribbon back.
Oh, no! Not your ribbon!
God herself couldn't take my ribbon.
So, in summation, Mom's the frickin' worst
and will ruin our wedding if she shows
and, so, yeah, that's why we planned
this whole shadow wedding thing.
Okay, I agree‐‐ your mom is bad.
But, Wolf, honey, you can't throw a big,
elaborate shadow wedding
- just because she might show up. - It's just that,
I'm not saying we were a disaster before you showed up,
but we kind of had, I don't know,
low family self‐esteem.
So you coming into our lives, you make everything great,
and I guess we all just got a little scared of, well,
losing you. I just wanted‐‐
I mean, we all just wanted to make sure
it was the perfect night for you and your perfect family.
You think we're a perfect family?
Of course. I mean, look at you guys.
Look at your slacks‐‐ you all have nice slacks.
Oh, we are far from perfect. Isn't that right?
Louis, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
I farted on the couch one time about 17 years ago.
And these two never let me forget it.
We had eaten some egg salad.
I called the fire department.
I thought there was an electrical fire in the walls.
We tried to reupholster the couch,
but it had gotten into the bones.
Oh, Wolf, just because we own an amazing business
and dress well, we're still not perfect.
No one is. We've got some truly unique people
in our family, too.
My cousin Brenda, for instance.
She swears wholeheartedly that she's the Zodiac Killer.
The timeline doesn't work, but she insists.
And sometimes I'll use a breath mint instead of deodorant.
I just suck on it for a second, then stick it to my pit.
- Jerry! - I know!
- Jerry. - I know.
See, babe, no one's judging you but you.
Actually, now that I think about it,
this thing with your mom is great.
I mean, we're havinga Titanic ‐themed wedding,
and your mom is our iceberg. And if she tries to ruin
our wedding and we get married and we stay married anyway,
then we're the Unsinkable Molly Brown.
It's proof that we can survive anything together.
We'll be even stronger than Jack and Rose,
because Jack voluntarily drowned near a door.
All right, I'll tell everyone that the shadow wedding's off.
Let the storm come.
Blow, winds, blow!
Crack your cheeks.
Sorry, I just played King Lear recently,
and the character hasn't left me.
Huh, kind of thought Mom would be here by now.
I'm sure she's just waiting in her car so she can
make a late entrance and draw attention to herself.
She's no doubt tucking her own skirt into her underwear
for a classic Kathleen cheek peek.
Okay, welp, let's go get our Wolf married.
Frickin' beautiful Honeybee!
Frickin' beautiful door!
Friends and family, we are gathered here today
in the year 1912 on this,
the unsinkable ship, to celebrate the love
of Wolf "King of the World" Tobin
and Honeybee "Spit Like a Man" Shaw.
Just like the constrictor knot, which can be impossible
to untie once it is tightened, and only grows
tighter when pulled, so shall your love grow tighter.
Oh. Now that man can tie a knot.
Ay, chihuahua.
And that is exactly why
blind brackets come in packs of two,
to support each other, because it takes two to make it work.
Just like in marriage.
If I would've known she was gonna talk about brackets,
I would've brought extra tissues.
True love straight ahead!
And now Wolf and Honeybee will exchange their vows...
in the form of some of their favorite movie quotes.
Honeybee, commenting in that online famous movie quotes
message board was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Because it brought me to you, and now we both found
something we love more than quotes from movies‐‐ each other.
We're gonna need a bigger boat... for our love
and someday our kids.
Because life moves pretty fast.
If you don't stop and get married once in a while,
you might miss the love of your life.
And I will always show you the money!
And by "money," I mean "understanding."
Standing in front of a Bee, asking her to love him.
That's not a ring.
This is a ring.
Tacky.
At this time,
we ask that anyone that should object to this union
speak now or forever hold your...
Ah, dang, am I late?
Did I miss the cocktail hour?
- Here we go. - Dear God. Kathleen ahoy.
Oh, that's not Kathleen.
Who the hell is that?
Maybe this'll ring a bell.
Oh. My. God.
- Honeybee, you didn't. - Oh, I did.
I'd know that cry anywhere!
It's the actress who played the baby
Billy Zane grabbed to try to get on the rescue boats in Titanic!
Oh, remember he ran all over the deck saying,
"I have a child. I have a child."
Oh, man, you're my second favorite
background character after Irish Mommy.
Okay, would you like a plaintive wail or some quiet sobbing?
Oh, quiet sobbing, please.
Wow!
Houston, we have a marriage.
You may now kiss each other.
Luke...
I am your husband.
Luke...
I am your wife.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's my great honor
to present to you for the very first time,
Mr. and Mrs. Wolf and Honeybee Shaw‐Tobin!
Come on, you two, the window's not gonna fog itself up.
Don't make me come in there.
Okay, I'm coming in.
I for one am glad Mom didn't bother
to show up for my once‐in‐a‐lifetime wedding.
It's, you know, it's good.
Definitely, uh... for‐for the best.
Is it weird that maybe I feel kind of sad?
Oh, I'm not sad.
I just have this hollow, lonely feeling
in the pit of my stomach.
Luckily, I was so young
when Mom left that I don't feel‐‐
Yeah, I'm bummed.
Yeah, me, too. Why do we feel like this?
Because, sure, she's messed up,
but she's still your mom.
Being filled with dread that Kathleen will appear
and then disappointment when she doesn't is normal.
And terrible. And normal.
I know what you're going through, but look around.
Everyone that's supposed to be here is.
This is a good day.
It is Kathleen who is missing out.
You know, Dad, you're right.
It's better that Mom didn't show up.
She would have definitely ruined today.
She probably would have.
But your mother wasn't all bad.
She did give me the four things I love most in this world.
Oh, do you mean our set of limited edition
Betty Boop ceramic plates?
- Nah, she took those with her. - Damn it.
I mean the four of you kids.
Do you trust me, Honeybee?
I trust you.
- Do you trust me, Wolf? - I trust you.
- Do you trust me, Ham? - I trust you.
- Do you trust me, Dad? - I trust you.
Do you trust us, Shaws?
We trust you!
Okay, I'm following the rule of thirds.
Didn't forget to capture the depth.
And I've got everyone's good sides.
Okay, this is looking good. And timer's set! Everyone hold!
Huh, would you look at that.
Mom's blog just updated.
She's drinking at a Wetzel's Pretzels in Tulsa.
Bad news for Tulsa.
Move your booty, here comes Judy.
Okay. On three, everyone say,
"Today turned out perfectly, and we didn't even have to
"do the shadow wedding, which was a good move because
Mom didn't even end up showing up and..."
‐ ‐
Jandon, it's your aunt, Alyson. This song is for you.
Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
and TOYOTA.