Yeah, it's kind of intense, but I'm into it.
Yeah.
All right, I think I'm gonna go shower off.
Oh, yeah.
Got a nice shower here.
It's huge, just so big, and I hate that I saw it.
And it makes you, like, sick?
No, it's, like, inappropriate.
Like, I shouldn't know what another teacher's dick in this school looks like.
But it's like a locker room.
Doesn't that happen all the time?
No, no, no, you don't get it, Gwen.
He wanted me to see it, and he got what he wanted.
You think he does it on purpose?
Yes!
I'm telling you, I'm coming out of the shower, he sees me, he goes like this.
Really?
Maybe he's, like, not even gay, and he was just like, oh, God, what's up?
No, no, he's gay.
He has a rainbow flag in his Instagram bio.
Well, maybe he's an ally.
Maybe he's an ally by means of being gay and hooking up with guys.
I've literally talked to him about dating men.
OK, so what's the problem?
Sorry, I'm not tracking.
He's attractive.
And then he puts his horse cock in my face this morning, and I'm not allowed to... Suck it?
No, date other faculty because of the investigation thing.
Oh.
But maybe he's not trying to date you.
Like, that feels kind of like a leap.
No, he's trying to date me.
As you know, we're in the process of replacing our school mascot, the dragons, with the newly voted upon, the horses.
The horses.
The student competition is underway to help choose the new logo, the new look of the logo.
Oh, did you get a chance to take a look at any of those?
The kids are mostly drawing penises.
Uh, no, I haven't had a chance, but that is disappointing.
So what I was thinking is, I actually know this great company that could help out with this.
They redid the mascots for, like, five or six local schools last year.
Really did a bang-up job.
They let the kids come up with the art, but then this company comes in and executes, makes it look completely professional.
Okay, the student logo design competition is already underway.
Listen, man, this is personal, all right?
The Dragons was offensive to my people.
Your people, what people?
College counselors?
My people.
The people that I come from.
Well, whatever he is, his lineage should be celebrated, whether he be a white man, a black man, a proud Indian brave.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Jesus.
Thank you.
Rick, if you know of a company that can handle this in a professional and effective manner, then yes, you can be our liaison on that, all right?
Yes!
Hell, yeah.
Let's get it.
All right, guys, this is perfect timing, actually, because kids aren't even thinking about college yet.
It's your company, right?
Who's to say?
No, it's his company.
Last but not least,
We need to assign some duties and committees.
Gwendolyn, I need you on bus duty this week.
And from what I can tell, the only person not on a committee is you, Evan, and Harry.
So I'm going to have you two together to head up the homecoming dance, all right?
OK.
No, no, no, no.
I'm, I'm, no, I really am.
All right, you are dismissed, OK?
Go inspire those young, warped minds.
Wait, I'm going to sing the national anthem this morning.
Why would they do this to me?
Grant, can I talk to you for a second?
These are crazy.
What do you want?
I'm thinking it might be good if you unpair Harry and I for this homecoming dance thing.
Why?
I can't tell you why, but just trust me.
I mean, I can unpair you, but I'll need a clear reason.
Otherwise, it'll look like homophobia.
How's it gonna look like homophobia?
If I separate two gay men, isn't that homophobia?
I can see the logic.
Some of these kids could get into Parsons.
It's really beautiful work.
Can you just, I think, just unpair us.
It'll be good.
No, Evan.
Just do your job.
Stop creating drama where there is none.
Just plan the homecoming dance.
Go.
This horse will do.
Rick, I found a winner.
Okay, so how much do we think the author is writing based on his own experiences?
Do it.
Just say something.
Chelsea, what's going on?
Um, Mr. Marquez, I'm sorry to interrupt class, but it's actually super triggering for me to be reading a book about a disease right now with everything I'm going through.
Because of everything you're going through?
What are you going through, Kayla?
The rest of the class sort of already knows about this, but recently, I was successfully diagnosed with something called... You're doing great, Kayla.
It's okay.
Be present with your illness, okay?
Asymptomatic Tourette's.
What?
So what Tourette's Syndrome is... No, I know what Tourette's Syndrome is.
Oh, great.
Okay.
So it sounds like you're halfway there and you're taking an opportunity to be educated, which is...
Honorable.
Thank you.
So asymptomatic Tourette's, right?
It's like Tourette's syndrome with the tics and like the hardship, right?
But without any symptoms.
So in its way, AT is harder because- What is AT?
Oh, asymptomatic Tourette's, okay.
It is harder because people have like actually no idea the battle that people like Kayla are fighting inside every day.
It's a silent killer.
And someone actually diagnosed you with this?
It's disrespectful to ask that.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
You can't blame people for making really huge mistakes when they haven't learned the etiquette.
It's only self-diagnosable.
I see.
She's making up this whole fake disease.
She's describing the symptoms.
There aren't any symptoms.
She's calling it asymptomatic Tourette's.
I feel like I've never related to you more about these kids just making up crazy shit for their own benefit.
It's insane.
Have you done a full and comprehensive diagnostic to see if there's any potential underlying symptoms?
I'm not a doctor, but I don't have to be a doctor to know that this girl is making something up.
I'll tell you what, I'll come by your classroom tomorrow and get a first-hand assessment of her condition.
You're not a doctor.
Two and a half more credits in kinesiology and I would have been a doctor.
Okay, so then the blue streamers the school has, I have to buy gold streamers, and then there's a ladder, I think in the utility closet.
Yeah, it's basically that, right?
Wow, I did not realize that we had like an agenda.
Oh yeah, I just have to get home to grade all these papers.
Yeah, okay.
Blue and gold streamers it is.
Oh my God, I'm sorry that took so long.
One of the managers was like low-key sexually harassing me in the back.
I'm sorry to ask this.
Are you guys gay?
Yeah.
My people, thank God.
When you walked in, I clocked you and I was like, hey sister.
And it's like, the community in Austin is amazing.
But like, I keep trying to reach out to people and they're like, you're toxic or I'm busy.
And I'm like, babe, I have zero friends.
I moved here from Michigan.
So, my dears, what can I get you two lovebirds for din-din?
Oh, sorry, we're not lovebirds.
We just work together.
Oh, my God.
I think maybe we need a little bit more time.
No sweat.
Uh, if you need anything, holler Clarkson.
My name's Daniel.
So, I'm realizing, actually, I can do a lot of this alone, so I might just head home, and, uh, I'll get my food to go.
Hey, but, okay.
We're here, though, and I just got my wine, so...
Look, I get it.
This committee shit, it's annoying, but, like, let's just, you know, have some fun with it.
Oh, I have a few ideas for the playlist, if you wanna talk about that.
Don't the kids do the music?
Yeah, see, I don't think that's a good idea, right?
Because at my last school, we let a kid DJ the prom, and then he tried to play an entire episode of Dax Shepard's podcast.
Which episode?
Oh, I've actually been super into this song lately.
I'll just play it for you.
Do you feel my heart beating?
Do you?
Are you fucking kidding?
You come to my favorite restaurant?
I'm six months pregnant, you bitch!
Malcolm, what the fuck are you doing here?
Hi.
Miss you.
Sorry, Malcolm, this is Harry.
He works at Morrison now.
Harry, this is Malcolm.
You used to work at Morrison.
Yes, yes, I used to work at Morrison until I got fired for fucking him.
That is not what happened.
Yeah, we had sex, penetrative, top-bottom.
That is really not what happened.
And I got fired.
He's my ex-boyfriend, and now I'm single, which I like.
I like being single, and I don't want to have a... I'm not... I'm not open to relationships.
Okay.
Heist drunk tonight.
Is he being weird on your date?
It's not a date.
Um, hey, did... did the waiter ask you if you're gay?
No, I guess I give off, like, a masc vibe.
Sometimes I wish I was more femme like you guys.
I've tried to be femme for Cloud.
It just doesn't come naturally to me.
I... I... You're leaving.
Do I have to?
I could stay and hang out.
No, no, you're leaving.
I'm gonna leave with you.
I have to go.
I got just... He can give me a ride.
I can give him a ride.
A ride to your car.
A ride to my car.
Exactly, yeah.
So, great work, and I will see you at work.
You too.
Awesome.
Thanks so much.
Okay.
Whoo, we did it.
He's hot.
I literally have COVID.
He's hot, huh?
Very.
My God.
I can't believe Grant found the second hottest gay guy in Austin to replace me.
It's just this whole thing because he's into me and he's like... I can tell he's trying to make a move.
Really?
Yeah.
He's into you?
I didn't get that vibe at all.
Malcolm.
I truly didn't.
He literally played a gorgeous song like this on his phone.
So we had to smush our faces together.
That doesn't mean anything.
I mean, people do that all the time.
People play music for each other.
It's like not really a big deal.
I actually think I was getting a vibe from him.
He looked at me and it kind of gave like, let's kiss and also fuck right now.
Oh my God.
Oh, you're jealous.
I like that.
More of that face, please.
It's the most boyfriend-y thing you've done to me in months.
Hey, guys.
Before we get started today, here, settle down, settle down.
Before class starts today, I would like to take some ownership and say a few words about AT, also known as asymptomatic Tourette's.
Uh-huh, Chelsea, yes.
It's not called AT anymore.
That's actually super disrespectful.
Oh, what is it called now?
KS.
It stands for Kayla Syndrome.
It's named as an in-memoriam to Kayla.
Deidre, I think you might mean a tribute.
No.
Okay.
Are you getting that?
Does that make sense to you, sir?
Oh, so it's named after Kayla.
Okay, that's cool.
It's actually not cool.
I mean, are you seeing this girl?
She's like sick as a dog.
Yeah, well, I apologize, Kayla.
I'm sorry that you have Kayla syndrome.
So it's actually better if you just call it K-S.
Okay.
Because it's super triggering for Kayla to have to hear her own name brought up in that context.
Absolutely, heard.
Gotcha.
Makes sense.
You know, part of me wonders... You... You have something to say?
Say it.
Just say it.
Coach Hilrich, do you have any thoughts?
I'm just here to listen.
That's why you're the man.
Thank you, Coach Hilrich.
That means a lot.
You're welcome, Kayla.
Yes, thank you, sir.
Chelsea, you're welcome.
Did anybody do the homework?
No.
No, we've all been dealing with this.
Right.
You're all getting your medical degrees.
Have a good one, Jake.
All right.
So after witnessing that, you still think AT is chaos?
You still think it's a real disease?
Look, it's actually quite simple.
Kayla and Chelsea, best friends since freshman year, right?
Side by side, socially speaking.
Uh-huh.
Last month, Chelsea's out for a couple weeks.
Remember that?
The whole time she's gone, all Kayla could hear is, where's Chelsea?
Is Chelsea going to be out for much longer?
So then Kayla's getting jealous, and she comes up with asymptomatic Tourette's.
And it worked.
for a time, but then Chelsea starts rallying everyone to be super supportive of Kayla.
And what does that do?
Makes everybody talk about how great and caring Chelsea is.
Chelsea did the same thing to Renee last year, and Renee is still not back at 100%, you know what I'm saying?
Who's Renee?
Come on, man.
She goes by Deirdre in the classroom, Renee in the friend group.
Keep up, Marquez.
It's just so much information.
But that's beside the point.
It brings us to today, the events of what happened here in your classroom.
Who speaks up on Kayla's behalf?
Who started making sure everyone was sympathetic to the journey that Kayla was on?
Who renamed the goddamn disease?
Chelsea, Kayla's whole gambit to gain sympathy has turned into nothing more than a vehicle for Chelsea's rapid ascent to the upper echelon of popularity.
That's crazy.
You got all this from 20 minutes in my classroom?
I only needed 10.
Now I have to say, you are the hottest man I've ever met.
Stop.
What'd you think of my dick in the locker room?
I loved it.
I knew you wanted me to see it.
But Gwen thought... Gwen was wrong.
And Marky is also wrong.
About everything.
I know.
Evan, I'm trying to take a nap, so it better be important.
It is.
Listen, to put it simply, Harry is extremely into me, okay?
And I know I'm not allowed to date other teachers, and I think he's gonna try to do something about it.
And I'm trying to avoid it, but it could happen.
Evan, somebody who looks like Harry would not be into you.
This is not a problem.
You don't get it.
We were in the locker room the other day, and he takes off his towel in front of me on purpose.
He showed me his incredible ass and dick.
No!
Stop it!
I was exhausted just by the fantasies that came up just from seeing it.
Stop, stop, stop!
We did not have this conversation.
We have this conversation.
I'll see you at the dance.
I am hot.
I am considered hot in my community, OK?
I don't care if you all think I'm basic looking.
I am an attractive gay guy.
Oh, Evan, your streamer just ripped.
Will you hold the ladder?
You don't need me to hold the ladder, Harry.
I have to make more punch.
OK.
Ashley, your mom did such a good job with those sugar cookies.
I love them.
God, he looks so good tonight.
I don't care how hard he tries.
Nothing is going to happen between us.
Is it possible he's maybe not trying to make something happen?
You know, like, you're very handsome, and you're so handsome.
But maybe you're just reading into it.
No.
It feels unmistakable.
Sorry, um, Evan, could I speak to you outside for a second?
Sure.
Um, did I do something to offend you?
No.
Because you've been acting very weird with me all week.
Harry, I'm being weird because if something happened between us, it would be very catastrophic for my life, okay?
I think you know this already.
I'm not allowed to date teachers because of a very specific situation in my life.
So if something happens between you and I, you know, it's not gonna be good.
You wanna fuck me, I wanna fuck you.
I get it.
This is clear as day.
But it's gonna go beyond that, okay?
We're gonna wanna start dating each other.
We're probably potentially gonna wanna get married.
Then what happens?
One of us is gonna quit?
I can't just report this marriage to the board.
One of us is gonna have to quit the job.
And so, that's where I draw the line.
And I don't care how bad you want it.
I don't care how bad I want it.
It's not happening, okay?
I'm not throwing away my life for you.
For whatever this thing is that you're imagining that we have together.
Take a breath.
First of all, I have a boyfriend.
I'm...
Oh, my God.
No, no, no.
It's okay.
I do this.
This is something I do, actually.
I think people are into me when they're not into me, and I think I'm, like, I have this, like, inflated sense of my own attractiveness, and I think I'm, like, this hunky guy, and then I get really attracted to really good-looking guys, and then I find out, like, they were never thinking of me like that.
Like, I have a funny-looking kind of face.
Evan, Evan, if you would let me talk for a second.
Is this Kayla syndrome?
No.
I'm sorry.
That's so stupid.
I... Yes.
We can just be co-workers.
I really appreciate it.
I'm sorry about that.
I'm serious.
You don't need to save me.
I'm fine.
Thank you.
Before we announce our homecoming court winners, we will have a brief presentation of our new school mascot, designed by the RCK group.
All right.
Where we at?
Nah, I'm just messing around.
You guys are good kids.
I'm now excited and thrilled to present your new school mascot, Michael the Horse!
Oh, Michael, not even alliteration.
Come on!
Let's go!
Thank you, RCK group.
I guess we'll just remain the dragons for the time being.
So now, for your homecoming court queen, Kayla Stephenson.
Kayla Stephenson.
Are you okay?
She did it.
Thank you.
This means the world to me.
But there's someone here tonight who could use this tiara a whole lot more than me.
Chelsea,
I don't care what Thomas said about you last night.
You're the coolest.
This is for you.
What the hell was that?
I had a little chat with Kayla, gave her some sage wisdom.
What'd you tell her?
The truth.
The best way to gain power is to artificially give it away.
Thank you.
All right.
Congratulations.
So you solved it?
Yep.
At least until Lauren gets her Invisalign out, I mean.
Who is Lauren?
Oh, dude.
Wow.
You guys are obsessed with the students in a way that is weird to me.
What's up?
Um, kind of just left before we had a chance to finish our conversation.
I did?
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess I felt like I was, like... The longer I stayed out there, the more I was gonna say insane shit.
It's probably the right instinct.
Yeah.
I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes.
Honestly, I kinda like seeing you like that.
It was cute.
Really?
Really.
We have a boyfriend.
It's not the fifties, man.
We're open.
Oh, you're open, of course.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
Jesus, Jesus, what the hell, man?
This was a mistake.
I got caught up in the moment.
And that doesn't matter, though, because that moment did not even happen.
Okay.
Okay, so you're, like, crazy crazy.
Got it.
I'm gonna leave.
Good.
That's what I want you to do.
I know how to hold it just right