-♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪
♪ Catch some fish ♪
♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
♪ Wow ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
♪ From longest night to longest day ♪
♪ In the Great North. ♪
[cheering]
[Ham] Get him, everybody! Get him!
[Jerrybee] Moon, get back here!
Don't think I won't bite a child!
[Moon] Aunt Dirt, shoot anyone who follows me!
-[Dirt] Consider it done. -[gunshot]
-[hammer clicks] -Damn it, I'm out of bullets.
[overlapping chatter]
[Golovkin] Snerts!
-[groaning] -Yes, I won!
In your face and your face and your face.
It's very strange to get yelled at
by my teacher like this in my own home.
I am not here as your teacher,
I am here as your father's friend.
-[doorbell rings] -[gasps] They've arrived.
[giggles]
48 delicious Coddingham Creme Potatoes. Huzzah!
Give me now.
What the hell is a Coddingham Creme Potato?
Oh, Jerry, it is the Cadillac of
potato-shaped holiday novelty chocolates.
Minty, chocolatey,
and with little bits of fried potato inside.
Intriguing.
We were gifted a box of them
on St. Patrick's Day years ago
when Kathleen was having an online affair
with an Irish gentleman on AOL Instant Messenger.
LuckyCharms69. Great guy.
And even though Kathleen's virtual romance ended,
we all fell and remained deeply in love with these treats.
But they are only available in Ireland,
so I spend all year combing eBay for them.
And you only got one box for all of us?
Please have your resignation letter and your father badge
on my desk in the morning, Beef.
To avoid a riot, I shall hide these
until we can properly divide them up.
Why weren't you at school this week, Mr. Golovkin?
I mean, don't get me wrong, I Go-loved it.
How dare you?
I know why he was out.
A bunch of the teachers had lice.
[all exclaim]
-Ew! -That's nasty.
Don't worry, I've been to Nits & Giggles
and I have a clean bill of hair health.
You realize you are literally scratching your head right now?
-Damn it. -[phone rings]
Hello. Yes, sweetheart, I--
Oh, no, we haven't been listening.
Yep, yep. Okay, see you soon.
Beef, turn on the weather band.
[announcer] The storm has been upgraded to a category five.
Residents are urged to shelter in place and take
-all necessary precautions. -[all exclaim]
Uh-oh. A storm? Like a "snowed in" storm?
Mr. Golovkin, can you drop me off?
I can't get stuck here for this crap again.
When these guys get snowed in,
they go full wonkers in the conkers.
[scoffs] Us? No.
But maybe someone should maybe hide all the sharps.
[laughs] No reason.
Come on, Mr. G, let's roll.
Oh! Oh, no.
-[Moon growls] -Ow!
Moon, the lights have only been off for two seconds.
-Stop biting my legs. -Fine.
Ow! Moon, not my beautiful butt.
-[bell rings] -[all shout]
Captain on deck.
Uh-oh, what's this gonna be?
Dad, may I be the first to say, sick fit.
Thank you, son. As Jerry noted earlier,
during ice storms, blizzards, and blackouts of all kinds,
we Tobins have indeed been known to get a little...
Big silly style in our head tanks?
Beautifully said, son.
But it wasn't until the last one,
when we had guests, that I realized
how shameful our behavior is.
So, as the captain of this family,
I have come up with a foolproof plan.
Okay, a plan could be good.
During this storm, we will be dressing and acting
according to the rules of the most efficiently regulated
maritime organization in the world:
the Royal British Navy.
That's your idea?
Well, you know the saying:
"Any idea my dad has is perfect."
There will be no chaos, no Moon Courts--
What's Moon Court?
Oh, it's a court ruled over by a child,
but all the adults take it seriously.
Sustained.
There will also be
no eating of people, no eating of sweets--
-[gasps] What? -What? I mutiny.
Me, too. That sucks, Dad.
No mutinies allowed.
Three healthy meals a day will be provided.
Uh, Dad, you have been known to actually get the most
loggins in the noggins of any of us.
Yeah, like when you became convinced
you had "the same illness
Tim Allen had in The Santa Clause."
Or when you made us stay awake for 36 hours to avoid
what you called "storm snakes"
who "feed on sleep."
Yes, during storms past, I let myself go crazy,
but I assure you, this plan will help me keep my mind right.
The Tobin household is now a Royal British Navy vessel,
call sign: HMS Perfect Family.
I am her captain.
Moon is her first mate.
Don't try to butter me up.
Judy, you're first "looftenant," as the Brits say.
Ham, second "looftenant."
Honeybee and Wolf, co-third "looftenants."
Yes, I'm my Dad's third.
Babe? Uh-uh.
And to make up for last time,
Jerry shall take on
a comfortable role as my best friend
and personal confidant.
[groans] Fine.
Golovkin, since you have lice, you will be a barrel boy.
And what is a barrel boy?
A diseased boy in a barrel.
But since we have no barrel,
you can ride this out in the brig.
We should burn his clothes, too.
Fine by me. My whole outfit cost three dollars.
Perfect. Jerry, I offer you
this book and pen for recordkeeping.
And I also offer you my reassurance that we will all
act very normally for the duration of the storm.
I do not believe you
and, in fact, think you have already gone crazy.
Well, I can't wait to prove you wrong.
Welcome aboard the HMS Perfect Family, troops.
The voyage begins upon my bell.
Oh, sail yeah.
[bell rings]
Ah, what a fine, brisk day at sea, is it not, Jerry?
Everything very calm, very normal.
Yep, just one of those normal days
dressing your children in jaunty little sailor outfits
and pretending the house is a ship.
Dad, I don't want to get ahead of myself,
but so far this has been better
than slowly descending into madness.
See? I told you all
that a little order would go a long way.
Honestly, I was worried about you, Dad,
but you know I love chores.
And usually by now
I'd have chugged two full bottles of maple syrup,
and me and Judy would be fist-fighting
about who was the best Bachelor.
-It was Brad Womack. -It's Lorenzo Borghese.
This is why you're single.
Borghese? More like Barf-ghese.
Speaking of barfing, I wouldn't mind
getting my hands on
all 48 of those Coddingham Creme Potatoes.
Captain Father, shall we set a course
to the Potato Creme Bay?
We don't need sugar, First Mate Moon,
we need structure.
Jerry, take an entry into the captain's log.
Day one aboard the HMS Perfect Family.
We set sail mere hours ago, and morale is high.
No signs of slappy fights, scurvy, purple-nurples,
cannibalism, or Moon Court.
Even our louse-ridden barrel boy is well cared for.
I daresay my plan is perfection.
Day two commences.
The sailors happily enjoy a hearty breakfast
of plain oatmeal and a refreshing glass
of room temperature water,
filling one and all with both vim and vigor.
Meals are followed by exercise.
The lunchtime rations of boiled chicken were generous,
as were the spirits of the crew.
I know this routine is supposed to
keep our brains from turning to goo,
but I'm starting to feel like one of those animals
that runs on a wheel, you know? Like a, uh...
-Hamster? -Yes, Judester?
No, I... Never mind.
Excuse me for a moment, sailors.
I must prepare the afternoon's entertainment.
I agree with Ham.
All this boiled food and cleaning
is not making me less restless.
Don't worry, my cooped up Catherine,
Dad has absolutely everything under control.
[laughs] I don't think so.
How dare you not think so?
Guys, it is very obvious
that your dad is slowly going mad.
Like Dad Dad? No.
He's specifically not getting wobbled in his bobble.
Haven't you ever seen Mutiny on the Bounty? Or-or Cast Away?
Your dad is seconds away from frenching a volleyball.
-Maritime lecture, ahoy. -Uh-oh.
Welcome, sailors, to the captain's lecture series.
To properly swab, first thing you'll need
is a bucket of hot, soapy water.
You want to dump your mop into the bucket...
Soak up the hot, soapy water with a mop
and a back-and-forth swabbing-like fashion...
...your azimuth compass
and set your mop's course due north-northeast...
This is pure teak,
so you're gonna be sanding with a hollystone...
Ugh. He's been lecturing us on swabbing for hours.
He just keeps repeating himself. What is going on?
[Beef] [clears throat] Something to say, "Looftenant"?
Oh, uh, just, you know,
there's a lot of swabbing information happening here,
and I think we got it.
Well, then, let's put our wet rags
where our mouths are.
In fact, tonight's meal will be delayed
so that we can swab the walls, the countertops,
the individual coins in the swear jar, and the rafters.
Oh, boy.
[Honeybee] Guys, I think Golovkin was right.
Maybe your dad is starting to go a little, uh, you know...
Master and Bananas?
I'm sure he has a very good reason
for keeping a stuffed parrot on his shoulder
and speaking with it and sometimes kissing it.
What's that, Darius? [laughs]
-Good one, my fine bird. -[groans]
Look, if Dad's getting a little loose in the brain caboose,
maybe that's to our advantage.
[clears throat] Father? On behalf of the crew,
I am humbly requesting we each be allowed
one small treat with our evening meal.
Perhaps one of the Coddingham Creme Potatoes?
Ship's historian, best friend and personal confidant?
Yes? Shall I get the potatoes?
[chuckles] No. Take a log/letter.
Dear First Mate Moon, request denied.
You bastard.
Come on, Dad.
We've been trapped inside for 51 hours.
Yeah. And all we are asking for is one tiny, itty-bitty treat
to get us through till the power comes back on.
And also to get our phones back
and not to do any more work and no more lectures.
Absolutely not. This is my voyage
and we will stay this course.
-Told you. -Silence, Barrel Boy.
I'm noticing that the trim around the baseboards
of the ship is dirty.
Let us clean it all before bedtime.
[all groaning]
Jerry, please go and get
a pack of toothbrushes from the basement.
[snoring]
[bell rings]
[all exclaiming]
Pirates of the Crap-ibbean:
Curse of the What the Hell?
Dad, it's 4:00 in the morning.
It's time to scrub the galley.
[all groan]
Jerry, take a log.
Day three begins before dawn,
with all and sundry cheered by my buoyant leadership.
[giggles]
[cackles]
[kisses]
The troops have
pleased me today, and so Darius, my shoulder companion,
encouraged me to reconsider
-my dessert edict. -Yes.
Dark chocolate? That's disgusting.
It's basically a vegetable.
Now, if you could all excuse me,
I have a private captain's matter to attend to.
Also please note that today,
when I was on the phone with Mrs. Claus,
she told me the snow snakes are back
and they don't like smiles.
So, just something to keep in mind.
Okay, enough. That man is full melon in the cerebellum.
This ends now.
[Wolf] Moon, what you doing, bud?
You can't kill Dad, we've been over this.
-No. Oh, God, no. -[others gasp]
[Moon] You sick son of a boat captain.
You ate 48 candy potatoes?
[gasps] No, this isn't what it looks like.
I found them like this.
Save it, Dad. I'm afraid you've been caught brown-handed.
While your crew goes hungry,
you're gorging yourself on Coddingham Creme Potatoes,
only available on another continent
or the Potato Dark Web.
I didn't eat them, I swear.
I only came down here to grab more swab supplies.
I thought, after your dessert, we could swab each other
and the snakes.
And Mrs. Claus could use a swabbing, if I'm honest.
Captain, we are relieving you
of your duties, effective immediately.
What? You can't mean--
Oh, we can mean.
You say "potato," we say "mutiny-tah-tah-to."
And you know what?
I believe that I would actually like to press charges.
-[Judy] Me, too. -[Wolf] And I.
[chuckles] You may have kept us from going mad
but not from getting mad.
You said no Moon Court,
but you didn't say no Moon Court-Martial.
-[gasps] -You better lawyer up, pal.
Darius, don't say another word.
-[gavel bangs] -[Moon] Order. Order.
This special court-martial tribunal
is now called to order.
I recognize the plaintiffs: Ham, Judy, and Wolf Tobin,
who are the victims of the defendant,
Captain Beef Tenderloin Tobin,
who is guilty.
You can't say I'm guilty before the trial starts.
Overruled. Who will represent the plaintiffs in this case?
-I will, Your Honor. -Sustained.
And who will represent this disgusting potato hog,
who is the worst and very guilty, case dismissed?
No one? All right,
I shall proceed with the sentencing to death.
Come on, somebody? Jerry, please.
[sighs] All right.
Court stenographer, Diseased Barrel Boy,
please read the charges.
Captain Beef Tobin stands here accused of being
a nasty little potato hog, oink-oink.
-Sustained. -Judge Moon, if it pleases the court,
I have something to say.
I'll allow it, Barrel Boy.
I feel the need to point out that it is usually
the mutineers who are court- martialed and not the captain.
Hmm, is that so?
Well, if you're such a huge fan of the captain,
why don't you join him as a defendant?
-Wait, what? -You are hereby charged
with being pretentious and a teacher at my school.
Sustained.
Please sit right next to my father,
-same chair. -But he has lice.
Oh, is that so?
Well, a trial on that matter will be set
on the dumbteenth of stupid.
But who will be the stenographer?
[Dirt] I'll do it.
-[others scream] -[Ham] A stowaway.
Aunt Dirt, where the hell did you come from?
Oh, I came over to the main house
right after the blizzard started,
but when I peeked my head into the kitchen
and saw everyone was doing chores
dressed as Scientologists,
I decided just to hide in the panic room.
I had my gun, my flask, my backup flask,
so I was all set.
But the flasks ran out,
and this seems kind of fun. So now I'm in.
Sustained. Aunt Dirt is recognized
as the court stenographer and also the jury.
Motion to also be a publicly intoxicated loudmouth?
-So granted. -[burps]
Yee-haw, your highness.
If there are no further motions at this time,
The trial of Beef Tenderloin Tobin
for being a horrible captain
and nasty spud piggy is called to order.
[Moon] Counselor Honeybee, your opening statement, please.
Your Honor, gentlelady of the jury.
-Present. -Let me begin by asking you a question.
What do we mean when we say "potato pig"?
Webster's defines "filthy potato pig" as follows:
a man with a red beard and no soul
who used an ice storm to starve and torture his own children,
their gorgeous wives--
Guilty as described.
The gorgeous wife's extremely nice brother Jerry,
who would never hurt anyone in this world,
-and him. -Hey.
And while I sometimes say "I rest my case" just for fun,
in this case I do rest my case
because every single person in this room, except Aunt Dirt,
saw this little potato piggy
Beef Tobin down on all fours just piggin' those potatoes,
slurping that potato slop,
-in his little piggy sty-- -Objection.
On what grounds?
I didn't do it.
You should've thought of that before you did it.
So, in conclusion,
this little piggy went to the basement,
this little piggy ate chocolates,
and those Coddingham Creme Potatoes
went wee-wee-wee all the way to his stomach.
In your face, and I do rest my case.
Your Honor, may I approach the bench to kiss my wife?
Overruled. Jerry, your opening and closing statements, please.
I call to the opening and closing statement stand,
-Captain Beef Tobin. -Objection.
He can't call a witness during his opening statement.
That's hearsay, Your Honor.
Huh. I'll allow it. Dad, please take the witness stand.
Now, Beef, you are, in fact, just a man, is that right?
-Guilty. -Objection.
I'll render the verdicts around here.
Sustained. And like any other man,
you like chocolates,
particularly novelty chocolates, is that right?
I've been known to dabble
with the devil in the brown dress, yes.
And so, you, as you admitted, just a man,
had been at sea for three days,
burdened with overwhelming responsibilities
and an ungrateful crew, is that right?
Indeed. I was simply trying to keep us all sane.
Even though Santa bit me, and I'm slowly becoming him,
like Timothy Allen.
Darius was so worried.
[chuckles] Of course he was.
Aw, he's going for the insanity defense?
[sighs] Brilliant.
And under that kind of pressure,
you went down to the basement to get the swabbing supplies,
but then there it was,
an unopened box of four dozen
Coddingham Creme Potatoes.
So you thought, "What could be the harm?
I'll just have one." But they're so good,
just the right balance
of chocolate and minty cream filling
to soothe a warped mind,
that you just kept going back.
You didn't want to do it, no, you did not,
but you were insane from the storm
and from trying to take care of all these
insubordinate scallywags.
Scallywags, please murmur angrily.
[murmuring]
These sailors you trusted,
that you loved like they were your own children,
well, they hurt you, didn't they, Captain Tobin?
-Didn't they? -Yes.
It makes me sick.
They swabbed the deck,
but they couldn't swab their own hearts.
In closing, you must find Beef Tobin
not guilty by reason of insanity.
Who could blame this sad shell of a man
for seeking out a little bit of chocolate-covered joy
in this crazy snowed-in world?
I know I can't. I won't!
[crying]
It's like the leprechaun's limerick
inscribed upon the Creme Potato says,
"Potatoes are the root vegetable of all happiness."
[gasps]
And I do rest my case.
I'm so sorry, potato papa.
We're gonna get you the help you need.
Damn it, Jerry's good.
We will now move on to sentencing.
Moon, wait, I have new evidence.
I know who ate the potatoes.
It was you, Jerry.
-[others gasp] -No, don't listen to this man.
Three days ago, when the potatoes came,
Jerry said he'd never seen one before.
The only way he would know about the leprechaun's limerick
would be if he ate the potatoes himself.
-[others gasp] -Oh, dang. -[Moon] Order.
Order. Order me some popcorn 'cause this is getting good.
[Moon] The trial of Jerry Shaw for stealing
and eating Coddingham Creme Potatoes is now in session.
Jerry, how do you plead?
Not guilty. I'm Jerry.
As was stated earlier, I never do anything wrong.
Liar! Murderer!
Judy, don't, it's not worth it. That's not how we get justice.
Who will be representing Mr. Shaw?
I'll take the case, but if it pleases the court,
I'll be pretending to be my favorite lawyer,
the lead character from the 1961 TV show
Shirley Dunn, Lady Lawyer with a Gun.
She waves her gun around a lot and occasionally shoots a juror.
Court is pleased. Continue.
Honeybee, your opening statement.
Oh, uh, same statements as before,
but about my brother this time.
Very good. Lady Lawyer, you're up.
-[others scream] -The defense rests.
Hey, you're supposed to defend me.
No can do, buckaroo. I saw you eating those potatoes.
-The court will now gasp. -[others gasp]
Last night I went down to the basement looking for cigarettes
and nudie mags, and that's when I saw...
Toothbrushes, toothbrushes... Ooh.
Well, top of the morning to me.
[laughs] You all think I'm so sweet.
Perfect little angel baby Jerry
would never eat a stolen candy potato.
[laughs] That's how I got away with it for so long.
-It wasn't that long. -I did it because of him!
Beef, you promised me a better Tobin snowed-in experience,
and this was not that.
I was just sitting around, taking your logs,
while you slowly went bonkers
in every single tonker you possessed.
Yes, I ate the potatoes with my actual mouth,
but I was driven to do it by Beef.
They might as well be swimming around in his tummy.
I'm not guilty by reason of Beef being a bad captain,
and, in closing, I put Beef back on trial.
He is guilty. The end.
-So ordered. -What?
[Moon] Honeybee, your opening and closing statements.
Same statement as last time and the other time,
but about Beef again.
In your face, and I rest my case.
Will anyone defend my father, the potato pig?
-I will act as my own counsel. -Proceed.
Yes, I admit it.
This was probably the most crazy I ever acted.
In fact, I was probably literally nuts
from the moment I came in here
in my little white suit.
I knew it!
And I do, in fact, sentence myself to death.
So granted.
But, before I walk the plank,
I must make my real confession.
I told a rank and abhorrent lie a few days ago,
and I cannot die with that sin upon my soul.
There are, in fact,
a whole bunch more potatoes in the basement
that I was hoarding for myself, and I cannot--
Court adjourned.
Aunt Dirt, shoot anyone who follows me.
Consider it done. Shirley Dunn.
Moon, don't you dare eat those potatoes.
Damn it, I'm out of bullets.
Get him, everybody, get him.
-[panting] -Moon, get back here.
Don't think I won't bite a child.
[Ham] No, come on. Give me those potatoes.
Oop. Hey. Power's back on.
I definitely still have lice.
I believe we all do.
[Beef] Well, it seems my British Royal Navy idea
worked pretty well after all.
Beef, respectfully,
what the hell are you talking about?
No one died, no one ate anyone,
and the house is very clean.
Pretty good, right, guys?
Oh, yeah, Dad, best storm yet.
Terrific.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go see how the elves are doing.
It's only a few days till Christmas,
and we are way behind on wooden ducks.
Dad, please go lie down.
You got it. Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas, everybody.
♪ Storm snakes gonna get you ♪
[laughs]
♪ Stay away from slumber ♪
♪ Storm snakes ♪
♪ They're gonna bring the thunder ♪
♪ They feast on REM and lemonade ♪
-♪ So stay awake And be afraid ♪ -♪ Storm snakes ♪
-♪ Making normies quake ♪ -♪ Storm snakes ♪
♪ Priests doing double takes, yeah ♪
♪ Tuck yourself in and kiss your kids goodbye ♪
♪ From the depths of the sky they're gonna rain down ♪
♪ Their scales are made of fury ♪
♪ And their screams are made of sound, storm snakes. ♪
Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
and TOYOTA.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org