-♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪
♪ Nature and stuff ♪
-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪
♪ Catch some fish ♪
♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪
♪ Wow ♪
♪ Oh, the Great North ♪
♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪
♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
♪ From longest night to longest day ♪
♪ In the Great North. ♪
[cheering]
[Wolf] I can't remember
if it's fork on the left or spoon on the left.
[sighs] If I don't figure this out now,
what will I do if I get crowned princess
of a small European country?
If you behead a few people right off the bat,
they won't care how you place your flatware.
Luckily, our table-setting expert is right here.
Care to weigh in, Lone Moose's Cup King, Ham Tobin?
[grunts]
So... not like I had it?
Sorry, Wolf. I'm in the middle of a major crisis here.
I am freaking out about the stupid assignment
for my public speaking elective.
It's worth 50% of our grade and it's known as...
The soul crusher.
You belong to me now, Ham.
As you can probably guess by how demonic Moon is acting,
the assignment is to give a speech to his class.
[gasps]
No, not room 15.
They're notorious hecklers.
I heard Jeremy Nicholbottom transferred schools
after presenting to that class last semester.
Who did you hear that from?
Who didn't I hear it from?
The heckles get so bad most people
don't even finish the speech.
Mr. Golovkin teaches my class
and he loves failing people for not finishing.
He called it "one of life's delights."
And the topic of the speech isn't helping, either.
It's "Alaska: Wow."
That sounds easy. Alaska is full of wows.
Which of its many wonders are you focusing on?
Let me read you what I have so far.
"Alaska has the longest coastline in the nation
with 66,000 miles of shorelines. Wow."
Oh, Ham, my class is gonna eat you alive.
And I'll personally pick the last bit of gristle
off your bones.
Moon, that's your brother.
Family means nothing in room 15.
[gasps] What if this brings my grade down to a B-minus?
That's a Ham Tobin F.
I'll have to run away to Seattle, and I'm no Frasier.
I'm not even a Niles.
Ham, buddy, calm down.
You just need a more "Alaska: Wow" topic.
If I were giving the speech-- which I am not
because I chose turquoise jewelry design as my elective--
I'd tell a story with some sizzle.
I, too, could spin any number of colorful Alaskan yarns.
I've also got an Alaskan story in my butt
that'll make you say "what?"
[laughs] Fools.
I bet none of your stories would impress me.
How about we make it a contest?
We each tell our own "Alaska: Wow" story
and Moon chooses the best one.
And then I can use that one for my presentation.
It's not plagiarism when you're saving your own life.
I'm in. And like velour sweatpants and infinity scarves,
you're both already out.
And if you snooze, you lose.
Sorry, just some good-natured ribbing,
nothing personal meant by it.
Whereas everything I say during your stories will be personal.
Who's first?
The loud teen, the plaid mumbler
or the lady dressed as Barney's sister?
The heckling has begun.
I stay ready so I don't have to get ready.
I'll go first. [sighs] Now presenting:
the true story of how Bob Ross,
one of America's most beloved painters
found inspiration in Alaska.
Perfect topic, Judy.
Ten-year-olds go crazy for beloved painters.
Well, no. [stammers] Well, no, it was-it was more exciting
than just that because, uh, uh, true fact:
Bob Ross was stationed here
in the Air Force. You like airplanes, right?
And he was part of a, um,
Air Force fighter pilot training thingy.
And it's really exciting.
And cinematic, actually, some might say.
We see Bob-Judy Maverick Ross,
flying in a very cool fighter jet.
Wow, Ham Hock, look at these gorgeous clouds.
I mean, I know we're in the middle
of life-or-death flight training,
but I-I... I simply must paint them.
Uh, Bob-Judy Maverick Ross,
I think you should fly the plane.
Sorry, but you know they call me Maverick
because of my unorthodox flying style.
Aah! Bob-Judy Maverick Ross, please stop painting.
-We're headed right for a mountain! [screams] -Whoops.
[Ham Hock screams]
Eh, Ham Hock might be okay.
Ham Hock's dead. That's the eighth navigator you've killed
this week with your painting.
What can I say? I'm a Maverick.
Damn it, I ought to ground you,
but because everyone else is dead
and you have a cool leather jacket,
I'm sending you to the most elite flight academy
in the country: Snow Gun.
[Judy] Bob-Judy was sent to Snow Gun in Alaska,
and Chief Beeferson was also going, for plot reasons.
So, Bob-Judy sets off for the North.
As he's landing, he knows he's gonna
love Snow Gun Alaska because--
[Wolf] Because they had hunk volleyball!
Just a bunch of shirtless dudes having fun,
patting butts, screaming, "Yeah!"
in slow-motion.
What are the rules?
Nobody knows and nobody cares.
-[Judy] Wolf. -[Wolf] What?
We were all waiting for that scene.
Stop messing up my story.
Yeah, she wants to mess it up herself.
Judy, please. I need this to be good.
And it will be, because the best thing about Snow Gun was
the gorgeous Alaskan scenery.
Bob-Judy knew right away that he would need to paint
all of it while flying and killing more pilots.
I need to paint all of this while flying
and killing more pilots.
[Judy] And then Maverick meets his new nemeses,
IceWolf and HoneyBarf.
We know all about your reputation, Maverick.
You're too dangerous to be in a plane.
Your dad was reckless, too.
Hundreds of men died on D-Day
because your dad was sculpting in his plane over Normandy.
And in the War of 1812, your great-grandpa
would fall off his horse because of his damn decoupage.
Wow, you guys know a lot about my family.
We know your painting is writing checks your plane can't cash.
And even though we hate each other right now
we're gonna later come to share a mutual respect.
Looking forward to it.
[Chief Beeferson] Maverick!
I finally found someone willing to fly with you.
-Call sign: Goose. -Honk.
Bob-Judy, no more painting up there.
I can't bury another man,
even if that man is a goose.
Damn this majestic Alaskan scenery.
Maybe I'll just paint
one little happy tree...
Honk!
Eject, Goose, eject!
[Judy] Bob-Judy ejects just in time,
but Goose couldn't work the ejection lever
because uh, because he was a goose.
-Honk! Honk, honk, honk, honk! -No!
-[Judy] But, luckily, Goose remembered he could fly. -Honk.
Honk. Honk!
[Judy] But then he got sucked into the engine.
My painting.
Oh, and Goose!
Moon, I hope you're liking this story
because things are about to get "soary." [chuckles]
The only thing you should be "soary" about is talking, babe.
Did you just call your sister "babe"?
It's an energy, Dad. Please don't question it.
Come on, Judy, I need something good.
I'm gonna be pulled limb from limb
by a bunch of toddlers tomorrow.
And then we'll sword fight with your arms
while your partially-living head still screams.
Fun. So,
Bob-Judy is despondent
after losing-slash-killing
his best and only friend, Goose.
Goose's wife and child were also sad.
-Honk. -Honk.
[Judy] But this isn't about them.
It's about our cool hero, who expressed his sadness
by riding a motorcycle. But then
something exciting happened.
[Chief Beeferson] Damn it. We've got bogeys.
Scramble the jets!
What the hell?
Damn it, Mav.
We have to send these planes up now.
Oh, really? Can we at least let them dry first?
[Judy] So, IceWolf and HoneyBarf
are fighting the enemy and saying
cool fighter stuff, like...
-Lock and load. -Roger that.
Aircraft carrier.
The MiG on our six is not engaging.
It's like... it's like he can't see us.
[Judy] And that's when they realized
Bob-Judy's painting had made the planes...
Invisible. Damn it, Mav, you did it.
[Judy] But then Chief Beeferson notices...
[Chief Beeferson] The sun is setting.
All the sky colors
are changing in a breathtaking way.
[Judy] But Beeferson had an idea.
IceWolf, HoneyBarf, I need you to fly
full speed towards that building.
Sounds great, you got it.
[Chief Beeferson] Pull up, pull up!
[Judy] And because
of how much Alaska made Bob-Judy say, "Wow!,"
the good guys from America won against
the vague but definitely evil bad guys.
[cheering]
Well, Maverick,
-I guess I respect you now. -To Maverick.
[Judy] Then Bob-Judy pops the champagne bottle
and hits the mom goose,
-who also dies. -Honk!
-Geez, Judy. -What? You wanted excitement.
Okay. Moon, did you love it?
-I love when it ended. -[groans]
Not to worry, Ham. I've got a speech
about something that makes everyone say "wow": flags.
-[others groan] -Your groans of excitement are warranted.
I'm gonna tell you the true story
of how Alaska's actual state flag
came to be designed by a 14-year-old named Benny Benson.
A real Alaskan hero close in age to yourself,
and I will tell it based on
a truly action-packed movie I recently saw
that was originally about math and janitors.
-Young Benny Quinnson... -[Judy] Oh, my God.
Did you change the boy who designed the Alaskan flag
into Moon's crush Quinn in a sad attempt to win?
I definitely don't have a crush on Quinn.
That's defamation, but I'm listening.
Benny Quinnson worked as a janitor
at Alaska Flag University,
the foremost institution for flag design.
Well, if it isn't Mary Moppins.
[laughs]
Mop that, loser. You're just a 14-year-old punk
who doesn't know anything about flag design and, uh,
-you never will. -[Beef] But Benny Quinnson had a secret
none of the flag design students knew:
she was a flag design genius, with the ability to see
the beautiful complexity of flags that others couldn't.
But she kept it to herself because all of her friends
were nice but also super dumb.
[Wolf] And all they did was play
hunk volleyball!
Just a bunch of shirtless townies
breaking into the university at night,
and the air conditioning is off,
so they're greasy as hell.
What are the rules out here?
Nobody knows and nobody cares.
-[others] Wolf. -[Wolf] Okay, fine.
[Beef] Actually, all Benny and her friends did
was hang out at the local bar in their Alaskan town.
Hello, my dirtbag friend, HoneyBen.
I'm also a dirtbag who turns out to be a genius
but never forgets her dirtbag roots.
As your best friend who's the same age as you,
you want a drink?
Of course, because I have a sad
flag-related thing in my past
I'm trying to repress.
I can't believe that you're so much better at creating flags
than everyone at the school, but you're just a janitor there.
That's all I've ever known. My dad was a janitor
and his dad was a janitor
and his dad was a mop.
You know, every morning when I come to your house,
I hope you're not there.
That's a mean thing to say.
No. It's-it's heartfelt. Because you're too smart.
You know, they're looking for someone to make a new flag
for our great state of Alaska.
If it ain't about sweeping or trash,
I don't want to hear it.
I've put flags behind me
because of that sad flag-related thing in my past.
[grunts] Wow, you really know how to make a floor wet.
Thank you.
But you know what you know even more? Flags.
I know you solved the unsolvable equation
that I left on the board.
You could be the next Flannery McBanner,
and they named banners after her.
Flags aren't just pieces of fabric
flapping in the wind like idiots,
they give us our identity,
and you could create the one our state needs.
-I can't. -Is it because
you have a sad flag-related thing in your past?
Yes, that's exactly what it is.
Then I need to send you to a "tell it like it is" therapist
who will never give up on you.
[man] I'm Dr. Notyafault, and I'm gonna help you
with the sad flag-related thing in your past.
-I'm also gonna tell it like it is. -[scoffs]
Let me guess-- a flag killed your beloved pony, Peppermint?
Yes. That is what happened.
All I wanted was to show my beloved pony, Peppermint,
the largest flag in the world.
He also loved flags, because who doesn't?
But when I stood back to take a photo of my pony
near the flag, the flag was too heavy.
It flattened him to death.
The only thing left to bury was his tail.
After that, I swore
I'd never have anything to do with flags again,
which is why I bought a zoo
and tried to deal with my amnesia while being chased
by international assassins hell-bent on killing me.
-[grunts] -[gasps]
Here's the deed to your zoo.
-[grunts] -Aah! -[Honeybee] Beef,
no! Those are totally different Matt Damon movies.
-Are they? -Yep.
Right.
[Beef] So then...
Benny Quinnson, I know you're sad
that a flag flattened Peppermint,
but I must tell it like it is.
You're a flag genius.
You can't keep running from this.
Yes, I can.
I'll never give up on you,
but I will bill you for this session
even though you have 44 minutes left.
And so Benny ran.
Ran even though she knew she should stop running.
Just like you should stop running your damn mouth.
-Moon. -If you can't stand the heat,
stay out of the crematorium, babe.
Come on, Dad, I need a miracle.
Hang in there, Ham. So, Dr. Notyafault
doesn't give up on Benny
because he refuses to.
Hi, Dr. Notyafault.
Thinking about flags, kid?
[sighs] Always.
Benny, what happened to Peppermint--
it's not ya fault.
Yes, it is.
-Isn't. -Is.
-No, it's not. -Hm, yeah.
I never looked at it that way before. It's not my fault.
You're cured.
Now, can I tell you the story of how my wife died?
-No, thank you. -Well, I listened to your thing,
but fine. You know,
a flag can say so much with so little.
That flag of our great state of Alaska will stay blank,
saying nothing at all,
unless somebody figures out how to fill it in.
Huh. Now that my best friend left
without even saying goodbye,
it actually feels pretty bad.
[Beef] So even though Benny was only 14,
she created a flag that was just like Alaska--
beautiful in its simplicity.
That son of a bitch. This flag was her fault.
And I love it.
[crying] The majesty...
of flags.
Father, the only interest I have in flags
is you moving ours to half-mast
'cause your funeral is right around the corner, old man.
You see how I'm talking to Dad, Ham?
To our own father, whom I actually respect?
Now imagine there's 20 of me,
desperate to get to their pudding pack at lunch.
Oh, God, I'm doomed.
Maybe I should see if Jeff Bezos wants to take me to space
like that little Dutch boy.
Ham, keep it together, 'cause I'm about to destroy
your father and sister.
-Leave the threats to me. -So sorry.
Now, before I start up my story car
and drive it directly into your brain,
let me ask you one thing,
Moon, do you hate vegetables?
I do, in fact, hate vegetables.
Then imagine a world, right here in Alaska,
where the only food was plain vegetables.
Then, imagine that one man,
an ordinary plumber by the name of Steve Henson,
was about to do something extraordinary.
To make an invention that would echo through time,
bringing joy to millions.
Yes, that man invented ranch dressing,
and I'm gonna tell you how he did it in a way that's fun
and actiony and doesn't totally make sense,
like The Matrix, but also totally original.
Just go with it.
So, we're in, like, this dystopian future,
and in this dystopian future
we find an ordinary plumber
living in Alaska
by the name of Honey-bee-o Henson.
[Moon] Tell me, Honey, will this story
"bee" over anytime soon?
I just started. And it's "bee-o," like Neo.
Again, not that this is based on The Matrix or anything.
Honeybee, you are now my only hope.
I am begging you to take this seriously.
And I'm begging you to stop now while you're way, way behind.
Both of you shut your holes and let me roll.
Like I said, there were only vegetables in this world,
so that's all anyone ate, day in and day out.
Until one spooky morning,
when Honey-bee-o goes to the fridge and...
[smart fridge] Wake up, Honey-bee-o.
But I am awake.
Never mind, I'm coming out.
[Honeybee] Then the fridge door opened,
and a cool, mysterious bad boy stepped out,
Guy Morfieri.
Hello, Honey-bee-o.
The world you're living in is a lie.
Also, you're low on radishes.
Okay, how did you get in there? And in here?
There's no time to explain,
and it also wouldn't make any sense, but listen,
this world-- the world around you--
it's actually imaginary.
Everything? Even my toilet?
Especially your toilet, but there is a real world.
With real toilets?
Stop talking about toilets. I need you to focus.
The real world is just people in goo pods.
It's pretty gross, but at least it's real, or whatever.
And are there toilets in there?
-I swear to God. -Sorry.
Look, we have to wake everyone up from goo sleep
to set them free, so I've chosen you to help.
Make sense?
-Nope. -Perfect.
Oh, and here's the big thing:
vegetables don't have to taste bad.
We've all been lied to,
and that's why you have to choose.
Eat this Brussel sprout, and you stay in the world you know,
or take this clove of garlic and change
everything forever
and be in a bunch of danger.
Brussel sprout, please.
-No, pick the other one. -Uh,
normally, I don't eat straight-up garlic
from men who step out of my refrigerator,
but you're charming as hell and your hair makes me smile,
so let's go.
So, what do you think so far, Moon?
I liked the part where you said vegetables suck,
but I hated the part where you kept talking.
Oh, no! Talking is, like, the main part of a presentation.
Sounds like I'm still in the running.
And I think my flag story was pretty nice.
And I think it was a war crime. Tomato, "tomahto."
Speaking of tomatoes,
when Honey-bee-o takes the garlic,
she and Guy Morfieri go into this,
like, uh, white void space
so she can train to save the world
from flavorless vegetables, starting with...
[Wolf] Hunk volleyball!
It's dudes in leather shorts
spinning a cauliflower ball on one finger.
-Wolf! -Sorry, my Matrix Maven.
-Go on. -So,
Honey-bee-o and Guy Morfieri do, like,
karate stuff and some light gymnastics,
and it's very unclear how those things would help people
get out of goo pods, but it looks cool as hell.
[grunts] Damn it. No matter how cool this looks,
it isn't working.
-What should we do? -Hmm. I know.
Let's go see a weird lady who speaks in riddles
and will also not explain anything.
Perfect.
[woman] As The Jude-acle,
I can tell you, you might
be The One, Honey-bee-o,
but first you have to believe that you're The One.
So, am I The One? Or...
I'm pretty sure it's you, but I'm wrong a lot.
I thought the guy in The Jinx documentary was innocent,
so, you know what I mean?
[Honeybee] And then, um...
something happens. Give me a sec.
[Moon] You don't remember the movie, do you?
-What movie? -The Matrix.
This isn't that. It's just a cool story I'm making up.
Oh, oh, oh, hold on, I remember now.
I just remembered I'm supposed to upload
some instructions to your brain.
I'm just gonna pop back to goo world real quick.
Cool spoon trick.
Okay, um, sorry about that. I just
uploaded something to your goo world brain.
A recipe for some kind of sauce.
Oh, and I also uploaded a playlist called
"Now That's What Guy Calls Music"
that takes me to an emotional Flavortown
when I'm feeling down. A lot of Spin Doctors on there.
Well, then why don't we go ahead now
and get back to the goo world,
make this sauce recipe you uploaded in my brain
and then put it in the goo pods
so I can win this story competition.
Wait, what story competition?
No time to explain. Let's go.
[Honeybee] And then Agent Beef Smith shows up
to stop them because he wants people to stay
in those goo pods forever.
Vegetables should not be delicious.
If you don't like dry broccoli, just try it wet.
-Like, soaked in water? -Yes.
What are you talking about, man? Nobody wants wet-getables.
Honey-bee-o, kick this guy's ass.
[Honeybee] And then they fought.
Honey-bee-o used his, uh, mind powers
to make ingredients appear and made them
fly around and mixed it all in the air
in a big ol' blob of floating sauce,
but then Agent Beef Smith
shoots at him with carrot bullets.
But he stops them mid-air with flavor powers.
Alaska: Wow!
With the perfect combination of buttermilk,
mayo, eggs and a proprietary blend of herbs and spices,
I've invented an amazing sauce right here in this fine state.
I'll call it Donkey Sauce.
I will sue you into oblivion.
Ranch dressing it is.
[Honeybee] And then she sends the carrot with the ranch dressing
into his mouth and the flavor was too delicious.
No! It's too delicious!
Aah!
-Honey-bee-o, you did it. -Yes, and I think it all
made perfect sense, don't you?
Definitely. Let's go sauce those pods.
[Honeybee] So then everyone got free of their goo pods, and then,
in the sequel, they have a big rave in a cave.
And that's the true story of how Alaska was the site
of the invention of the most perfect sauce of all time.
And the real inventor's name was Steven Henson,
and I worship him and his beautiful mind.
Case closed. I win.
Ugh. Did she win, Moon? Or did Judy win?
[weak chuckle] Or Dad?
Which story will make it so I don't wind up peeing my pants
in front of your class?
Hmm. I'm sorry, Ham,
but I can't choose.
I'm forced to declare a three-way tie
for worst story ever.
But my story was about hating vegetables.
It was about salad,
which I wouldn't even eat if it was dipped in frosting.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. What am I supposed to do?
I'm sorry, Ham, but it's time to get your affairs in order
because tomorrow, you die.
All right, everyone, I have just realized that the lasagna
has been in for 90 extra minutes and is on fire,
so, let's extinguish it and go out for pizza.
[Ham grunts]
Desperate to get to their pudding pack.
-[echoes] Pack. Pack. Pack. -"Now That's What Guy Calls Music."
-[echoes] Music. Music. Music. -Wouldn't even eat if it was dipped in frosting.
[gasps] I know what I have to do.
-[kids booing] -[crying]
Um, so, uh, today,
I will be telling you about Alaska's coastlines...
-Boo! -So long, brother.
...as shown on these
cupcakes I made!
Everyone gets six.
Six whole cupcakes that you will get to eat during my speech.
-Now we're talking. -[whoops]
You son of a bitch. You cracked it.
Are you really giving each of my students six cupcakes?
Yep. And in ten minutes it'll be your problem.
But for now, their mouths are too full
to say a word, so...
Alaska: Wow!
Our great state has the longest coastline in the nation.
♪ When it comes to setting tables ♪
♪ There's one man who knows his stuff ♪
♪ The proper placement of a salad knife ♪
♪ A meal time stud, the king of cups ♪
♪ Unrivaled use of charger plates ♪
-♪ Knows which glass is for wine ♪ -♪ That one ♪
♪ Just give that man a call and he'll make that table fine ♪
-♪ It's Ham ♪ -♪ Ham ♪
♪ The Lone Moose king of cups, it's Ham ♪
-♪ Ham ♪ -♪ Sit down to eat ♪
♪ And watch him strut, it's Ham ♪
-♪ Ham ♪ -♪ This kid has got the grease ♪
♪ He's better at setting tables than ♪
♪ That candle from the Beauty and the Beast. ♪
Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
and TOYOTA.