Um, sure you don't want to sit down, Moon?
You've been standing there for three hours.
Yep, because when Dad is ready to leave
for my Ten-Year Tobin Retreat, my ass is out the door.
All right, here we go. Later, snurbs, it's nature time!
Slow down, son.
Lara doesn't have us scheduled to take off
until an hour from now.
Ugh, when I turned ten,
all I got was a rental pony for 30 minutes.
My parents got a discount because it had a small cough.
I've had better birthdays.
On my retreat,
Dad taught me that if you speak to bears
in monotone, they leave you alone.
Ugh, if only that worked on men at the bar...
is what I'll say when I'm 21 and living in a big city.
On my retreat, I learned how to make a compass
using a cup of water and a sewing needle.
And then I accidentally drank
the cup of water with the sewing needle.
And then I learned what an emergency airlift looked like.
I'm already so good at outdoor stuff,
I can only imagine what you have planned for me, Dad.
Guess I'll go take one last poop in a real toilet before we go,
but I'm gonna use leaves to wipe,
just to get me in the mood.
You guys got everything you need
for your two-day takeover of the Tobin estate?
Yeah, Dad. Totally under control.
Don't worry, Beef. We'll take good care
of the house and Judy and Ham.
I mean, we don't really even need to be watched
because of, you know, our ages,
but also because we are not up to anything very cool.
Teen-agers? More like teen-angels.
I hear you guys, but just in case anything comes up,
Wolf and I each read a different parenting book,
and we're gonna see which method works best.
Well, I read most of mine.
Then Cheesecake showed up with a Tupperware full of Jell-O shots,
and then, before I knew it, we had eaten the whole thing.
And then, before I knew it, we had thrown up the whole thing.
Well, speaking of "whole things,"
Wolf, can I get you to fill that pothole
down on the driveway?
Oh, hell yeah! I'll "F" that "P."
And by "F" that "P," I mean fill that pothole.
I am happy that is what you meant.
Let's move, Beef.
I can't wait to sleep inside an animal of some sort.
I don't know whether I'll snuggle up in a badger
or spread out in a moose,
but there's no softer pillow than a fresh spleen.
All right, I got the spare key out of the drawer.
Why are you holding it with a tissue?
- Fingerprints. - Smart.
I really mean this, Ham, you could be a famous murderer.
Thank you.
Oh, what do you think they'll call me?
Hmm. How about the Ham Bam Killed Ya Ma'am Stabber?
Mm, let's keep thinking. We'll come up with something.
So, what's the plan?
Because I'm already fa-ra-eaking out.
Fa-reak not, young Hamlet.
Our plan still rips, and the plan is this:
We'll act perfectly for the rest of the evening.
We'll do our chores. We'll go to bed early.
Then we'll use the fire ladder to sneak off the roof
and, you know, go do the exciting thing
that we can't let Wolf and Honeybee find out about.
Okay, we do all that stuff now?
No, Ham, we do that later, after bedtime.
Right, right. Huh, this is gonna rip.
Oh, it will rip, slap and slam.
How do I look?
Well, your shoulders look enormous.
Thank you. I didn't have any blazers
with shoulder pads in them, so I cut up a pillow.
The parenting book I've been reading, Mom-ager,
says you have to dress professionally
so children know you mean business
and that you're not their friend.
The book I read, Pal-enting,
specifically says you should be your kids' best friend
and give them hugs and a piece of candy
every time they do something right.
My pockets are absolutely filled with goodies right now.
I'm like a piñata.
Well, let's go put our books to the test.
See which one actually gets this parenting thing right.
Yep. And a lot is riding on this.
I know we want to be parents sooner rather than later.
All right, let's go show Ham and Judy who's boss.
They are. And we're just their cool friends
who play video games with them
and buy them literally anything they ask for.
Dad, before we land,
let me run you through the order in which I would like you
to amputate my toes in the event of frostbite.
Sounds good, son. Oh-- Oh, wait a minute.
Is it just me, or has our flight stability
suddenly become a bit wobbly?
Oh, yeah, good catch, Beef.
Now that you mention it,
our flight stability is goofy as hell.
Gonna have to set her down in Anchorage just in case.
What? No.
Come on, Moon. Maybe it won't be so bad.
The big city. A million people, a million stories.
Population is approximately 300,000.
300,000 people,
300,000 stories.
Okay, guys, time for chores. Oh.
It looks like you're already doing them.
Oh, hell yeah. Chores rule.
Okay, here we go.
That's a candy reward for you and for you.
And I will offer each of you a professional handshake
- and my respect. - And here, we made you this card.
Not because we are trying to butter you up,
but because we are extremely well-behaved.
"Dear Wolf and Honeybee,
"Thank you so much for looking after us this weekend.
It means so much to know that you are there." Aw!
Two more pieces of candy for each of you.
Is it just me, or are we freaking nailing
this parenting gig?
If we're already this good at being parents,
we could be turning our crawl space into a nursery in no time.
It'll be a crawling space.
And before long, it'll be a walking space.
Oh, God, they're gonna be going off to college soon.
They grow up so fast.
Sorry, guys, but this plane has been diagnosed
with a case of Wacky Wings.
Gonna need some time to get her fixed.
Need to stay overnight.
Huh, what?
Well, the plane seemed to be running just fine to me.
And then suddenly we're stranded in the city?
In unfamiliar surroundings?
And I'm totally outside of my depth?
Yes, that is all correct, son.
Hmm. Father, is Anchorage, by any chance,
the location of my Ten-Year Tobin Retreat?
- You figured it out. - Damn it.
Since you've mastered the wild,
now it's time for you to survive a harsh city landscape.
So no eating bugs? No digging a hole to poop in?
Look, I hate the city, too,
but if you ever get stranded in one,
you're gonna have to figure out how to survive the night.
Okay, well, I have a simple one-step plan:
hand me your cell phone and I'll book us a flight home.
This is the Ten-Year Tobin Retreat.
Absolutely no cell phones allowed.
Now, first up, you're gonna have to figure out
how to get into Anchorage proper.
I'll give you a hint: It's big and it's yellow.
Dad, Minions aren't real
and they definitely aren't gonna carry us into town.
Those guys are super unfocused.
Well, time for us to turn in.
Really? It's only 8:00.
Yeah, I got to rest these cheeks.
Too much smiling from how well I was taken care of.
And no need to check on us.
We are gonna tuck in and drift right off.
Um, parents of the year, much?
Uh, very much.
Let's pour ourselves a couple parent coladas
and turn on Quebec's Quiche Queens All-Stars.
Ooh, yeah. I hear Frangelica is back this season
and she's not taking any crap.
Okay, let's switch out of our pajamas
and into our super cool badass teen clothes,
and I'll meet you out on the roof in five minutes.
For what? Oh, wait, right. The thing that absolutely tears.
What the hell was that?
Oh, no!
Oh, say what-hole? A bus hit the pothole!
I forgot to "F" that "P," and now someone C'd in our "D"!
Is everyone okay?
Yep, looks like we got all our butts and coconuts intact.
I see you met our friend Pietro the Pothole.
I know this doesn't help you much,
but I was just about to fix that.
Uh, what's with the flashy getups?
Oh, well, we are the...
We're one of Alaska's many adult show choirs.
Name's Rocky Ritz, Esquire.
I'm kind of the leader of the group.
And I'm his sister Jackie Jacqueline II,
and I'm also kind of the leader of the group.
Oh, boy.
That there's Dink, our baritone;
Liberty, alto; Contessa, contralto;
last but not least, we got Sunshine, our soprano.
Sorry, not trying to upstage you.
Singing just seemed like so much fun.
I have a very sensitive singing voice,
so hot drinks are off the table, but I appreciate the gesture.
And don't worry about upstaging us.
You were very flat. Just kidding.
But you were very flat.
Now that these guys are here,
how is our plan supposed to rip or slap or slam?
- Are you kidding me, Ham? - This helps the ripping
and also the slamming and the slapping.
Now Wolf and Honeybee will be so distracted,
they won't have any idea what we're up to.
Okay, but we better keep it quiet
around the shiny grandparents.
These pitches seem like snitches.
All right, you decided where you want me to let you out yet, sir?
Well, Moon?
In the wilderness, the rule is always shelter first.
So, uh... Oh! What about there?
Glen's Sleep Hut. Pull in.
Oh, no. No vacancy?
Oof, yeah.
I hate to tell you this,
but there's not a single available room in town,
what with the Beanie Baby convention going on.
Okay. Well...
why don't we just keep driving around all night then?
Sure. I don't mind doing a Snore Tour.
Moon, you may want to take a look at the meter.
$65?
For riding in a car?
I guess we'll just get out here.
Okay, no problem.
Just get inside quick. There is a guy around here
who thinks he's Linda Hamilton's character from The Terminator.
He's a little dangerous. You don't want to run into him.
Okay, I guess we'll just hike from hotel to hotel
and see if anyone's got a cancelation.
- All right. - Hey!
You guys terminators?
- No, we're not. - Oh, it's the dangerous guy!
Moon, don't run towards a busy street!
I got your stuff, Terminators!
Take that, you big metal sacks of crap!
Great. Now we have no bags and no place to sleep.
And to top it off,
you haven't even let me watch Terminator yet,
so I have no idea what I'm being accused of.
Well, it'll be about a four-hour wait for Triple A,
so looks like there's six new babies
for Papa Beaver and Mama Beaver to care for.
My Aunt Denise always said,
"If you can handle two, you can handle eight."
She was the griddle cook at IHOP and was talking about pancakes,
but I think the principle still applies.
Well, we sure raised Ham and Judy right.
- Look at them, helping out. - They really are teen-angels.
So, what are you guys headed to Death Cliff for?
Actually, our manager Tallulah died,
so we are going to her memorial.
She died on her way to a costume party.
Her Joker makeup got in her eyes,
and she drove right off a cliff.
We're gonna sing at her funeral.
Yep, we're gonna sing a brand-new song I wrote.
Oh, my God, Rocky! Shut your lard funnel!
We're singing my song.
Yoinks, choir feud.
They were arguing like this
the whole ferry ride here from Ketchikan.
And there was no way to...
Well, Rocky, why don't we each sing our song,
and then we'll take a vote to see which one's the winner?
Sing-off? Love it.
Wish we could stay,
but Ham and I should really get to bed,
because we have, um, interviews in the morning?
To be doctors at the hospital.
Wow, yeah. Gonna want to rest up for those.
But Honeybee and I are happy to watch this sing-off.
All right, everyone, go put your show outfits on.
- Those aren't your show outfits? - Oh, no, sweetheart,
we would never sing in our bus clothes.
Tallulah would strike us dead where we stand.
That we agree on. It's showtime, trash bags!
Lube up those pipes!
Huh, I don't know, something about this
doesn't quite feel like a haunted doll birthday party.
Well, yeah. Bethany's bringing the dolls, remember?
Oh, right.
Okay, anything else? I mean,
there's, like, five to seven of our peers coming to this,
our very first rager,
so we got to make sure it is, uh, lit,
and I don't want to get ahead of ourselves,
but it should also fully crank.
- Hello. - Wow.
A bowl of potato chips? A box of doughnuts?
You guys didn't have to do all this for me.
I mean, free will does exist.
Anything for the birthday girl. Am I right?
- Birthday girls. - Now we're raging.
And I brought the good stuff:
a six-pack of Kim's Hard Chocolate Milk
I snuck out of my mom's she shed.
Ooh-la-la, we've got alcohol milk.
We've got porcelain dolls.
Is this what ripping feels like? 'Cause I love it.
Yeah. Let's burn this mother down.
Well, it's been hours,
and I haven't found us shelter or food.
What would I do if we were in the wilderness?
Oh. Of course!
I would get to a higher vantage point,
so I could have a better understanding
of my surroundings.
Dad, free buffet! Looks like there's a wildlife theme, too.
Kid, you're too young to eat here.
- Why? - Hey, buddy,
can you explain to your kid why he can't come in?
There are naked women in there dancing around on a stage.
Oh, is that all?
I can eat spaghetti with my eyes closed, no problem.
All right, well, the least we could do is warm up.
I'm gonna use my primary flint
to make a fire in this garbage can.
Son, don't even think about it.
Starting a trash fire is a real garbage move.
Sorry, I'm trying out a little humor at work.
But, seriously, there is a $600 fine for starting a fire
in a trash can in Anchorage.
I see you, Terminators. That's my trash can!
Don't you touch it. I'm gonna get you!
All right, since I'm six years older than Rocky,
and six points hotter on a one-to-ten hotness scale,
- I'll go first. - Oh, you wish.
You're five points hotter at most.
- Mama said six. - Can we just start?
Fine! Here we go. One, two, three, four.
Wow, very moving.
Yeah, I better get a box of Kleenex
before Rocky hits us with his remembrance of Tallulah.
All right, you sluts, let's give it to 'em.
Big finish.
So, mine was way better than Jackie's, right?
Hmm, okay, okay.
I mean, the answer's pretty obvious here, right, Wolf?
Uh-huh, it sure is. The winner is:
Both of you! You should both do your songs at the funeral.
Maybe you just, you know, make the second song less sexual.
Or maybe make the first song more sexual.
- Kind of even 'em out. - Wolf, no.
- What are you talking about? - The one thing I know
is everyone deserves a piece of reward candy.
Uh-uh. I'm sorry, guys, but I am putting my foot down.
You cannot sing that sex song at a woman's funeral, Mr. Rocky.
You can't tell me what to do. I'm singing that song!
Oh, no, you're not. I forbid it!
You can't forbid me. You're not my real mom!
I hate you! I hate everyone here!
Sup, sup?
We're here for the party, and we brought the... beer.
Uh, who are all these sparkly old people?
Do they go to our school?
Okay, so Ham and Judy
are throwing a secret party in our house.
And based on the sobs I hear,
Rocky has locked himself in the old outhouse.
You know, this is the perfect way
- to test our parenting styles. - Good idea.
I'll go to the guesthouse and get that party shut down.
Do some of my pal-enting.
And I'll go get Rocky out of the old outhouse.
He's out of control and needs a mom-ager's firm hand.
Kris Jenner, give me some Calabasas courage!
Okay, truth or dare, Bethany.
Truth. But I'll be honest with you guys:
I'm going to lie.
Hey. - Oh, God!
Okay, what do we have here?
This looks like some kind of a...
Haunted doll birthday party?
Uh-huh. Just as I suspected.
And am I seeing some illegal alcoholic bevvies?
Okay, party's over. Everybody, get out!
Is what I would say if I wasn't open to sitting down
and having a dialogue about what's going on here tonight.
Now, first things first, anybody want a piece of candy?
You can't stay in a stranger's outhouse forever, young man.
Oh, can't I? Also, I'm 68.
Well, you're not acting like it.
Get out of there, Rocky, get out.
- Get out now! - Ma'am, you're getting hysterical.
I'm not! I'm in charge! I'm a professional parent.
A parent who's gonna walk away
so I do not burn this outhouse down with you in it!
Professional parent!
Okay, I consulted the free map from the gas station,
and I finally figured out where we can get food and lodging
for absolutely no cost at all.
And here we are.
Huh, the zoo?
Looks like it's closed, bud.
I'm sure we can sneak in.
And it's full of animals.
We can find one to eat and a few to befriend.
Well, I salute your ingenuity,
but I don't think we should eat an animal at the zoo.
Ugh! I give up!
This retreat is the worst!
There's nowhere to sleep. There's nowhere to eat.
You won't let me kill an animal at the zoo. I guess I failed.
But, Moon, you haven't failed.
You just think you're at a dead end.
You know, there's not just animals in the city.
There's people, too.
Are you suggesting we eat a person?
I mean, I'm not saying no.
I don't mean finding a person to eat.
I mean finding a person to help us.
Maybe even a relative who lives nearby.
Well, I can't just call up Uncle Brian.
That would be cheating.
This is a wilderness survival retreat.
Oh, wait. No, it isn't.
It's a city survival retreat. I'm so dumb.
You're not dumb. You're just a beginner.
Symbiosis exists in nature, and it exists in the city, too.
Only, we usually call it "mooching a friend's couch
in exchange for some bad weed."
So, I guess the next step
is to figure out Uncle Brian's address.
Should we break into a nearby house
and force them to let us use their Internet?
Or we could try nature's a phone booth.
So you didn't shut down the party?
No, I was too friendly.
I'm pretty sure I invited them back tomorrow for another one.
And I couldn't get Rocky to budge.
Turns out parenting is harder than it looks.
How did my parents get me and Jerry to do stuff?
Maybe we should dress up like old Scottish nannies together.
Do a Doubtfire?
Ah, Wolf, together! That's it!
That's what we've been missing. My parents would do it together.
My mom was strict, my dad was more of a softy.
But when they blended their styles, it totally worked.
Yes! We'll blend our mom-ager and pal-enting techniques.
But let's also do the Doubtfire thing, too.
I know we have two wigs.
Okay, now that we got everyone out of here,
you want to tell us what was going on here tonight?
I love the spooky vibe, but I don't love your spooky lies.
Sneaking around and lying to us? Why?
Come on, Wolf, don't act like you and Cheesecake
wouldn't get rowdy from time to time back in high school.
Nuh-uh, young lady, this isn't about Cheesecake.
Tonight could have gone really wrong.
Kids and alcohol on our watch?
What if somebody had gotten really drunk?
Or gotten a tattoo?
Or what if one of these dolls really was haunted
and just started strangling people left and right
with its little porcelain hands?
Ugh, we're sorry.
Bethany mentioned that her parents weren't gonna host
the haunted doll birthday party that she wanted, so I said,
"Hey, we can have it at our place
while our dad is out of town."
I mean, I actually said, "Let's rage."
And then I said, "Let's rip."
I guess I understand, but with Dad gone this weekend,
we were kind of, you know,
hoping you'd treat us like parents.
We did. You don't tell the parents.
Oh, so maybe that means we actually did an okay job?
Yeah, you guys did great.
I mean, I don't really understand
why you're wearing wigs.
Oh, we were doing a double Doubtfire.
Just trying to have a little fun with the whole parenting thing.
Oh, right. Yeah, love it.
Okay, well, we forgive you guys for this, but, uh...
- It can never happen again. - That's right.
And you got to clean up in here.
- But I'll help. - Wolf, no.
But I won't help. But we, uh, still love you?
- Right? - Yes, of course we still love you.
Now get to work.
We got to go get a sequined senior
out of the outhouse.
Wait, is that Kim's Hard Chocolate Milk?
- Yes. - Oh, this stuff absolutely rips.
I'm taking these.
Rocky? It's Honeybee and Wolf.
Listen, Rocky. You got to get out of there, or--
Or, as I was saying, why don't you tell us how you're feeling?
Guys, I'm not just upset about Jackie singing her song.
I'm upset about Tallulah being gone.
You probably couldn't tell from my little ditty,
but Tallulah and I were involved sexually.
When she drove off the road, she was on her way to meet me
at a Batman sex party.
I'm sure you've heard of those.
We have not.
But I can tell you're hurting, Rocky.
However, I do think Jackie's song
was a touch more appropriate for a funeral.
Maybe you can sing your song at the funeral after-party.
I guess that would be all right.
Ooh, a piece of candy.
See? It works.
"Tobin, Brian"! I found Uncle Brian!
Good job, son. Just rip that page out
- 'cause we got to get out of here. - Why?
- Oh, no, he's back. - Hey!
- Terminators! I found you! - Come on, Moon, let's go.
And now I'm gonna kill you!
It's judgment day, you little metal freaks!
Rocky, thank you for coming back inside.
Do you have something you want to say to Jackie?
Your song is more appropriate for the funeral.
Thank you, Rocky. I know you loved Tallulah.
It was more of a lust.
A constant, terrible, inescapable lust.
Okay. Either way, I'm sure you miss her.
But she wouldn't want us to fight. She'd want us to...
Oh, thank God, Triple A is here.
Or should I say "Triple Yay"?
Okay. Ketchikan-do's, out of your show outfits
and into your roadside repair ensembles.
Go, go, go.
Take care, guys.
It's so hard to watch them leave.
It's okay. They're big kids now.
I think we did a pretty okay job,
but I also think our crawl space
shouldn't become a crawling space anytime soon.
For babies or drunk teenagers.
Yeah, I'm hitting snooze on my biological clock
for a few years.
Bye, guys. We'll never forget you.
- Bye! Oh, wait, is that... - Ham!
- Get off the bus! - Oh, crap.
You know I always do what everyone else is doing.
Okay, sluts, let's give it to 'em.
Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
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