Like a rock
Everyone, please stay back.
We are investigating the source of the alarm.
Judy, I'm so sorry I created that disaster.
Wait, what? You created the disaster?
You're-you're crying because I came to your work today
and embarrassed you, just like Honeybee said I would.
That's... that's not why I'm crying. I...
Wait, why are you in those jeans and what's all over you?
Judy, did you not notice
all the very weird stuff I did today?
I did not. I had... I was, um...
Well, it seems like we just had two very different days.
Can you just start at the beginning?
Sure. See, at breakfast this morning...
Are you okay, Dad?
You're breathing the way you did the one time you made it
to the final round of the family staring contest.
I'm great, I'm just excited. I get to spend the whole day
with your sister at the mall.
Not to brag, but I was recruited
to fix the cash register at her work.
I wish I could have shown you off
at my high school job, Dad.
Back when I had to sterilize
all that rubber at the pacifier factory,
I would talk you up to everybody.
You wanted your dad to show up to your workplace
- when you were a teen? - Well, why wouldn't we?
When I undoubtedly start working the band saw
at the mill next year, I'm hoping Dad will stop by
for lunch every day.
You guys are bonkers.
When I worked at the Big Raisin Mall when I was 15,
I forgot my jacket one day.
My dad showed up with it,
somehow got on the intercom, and said...
Sweetie, it's Daddy. I'm here with your jackie.
Then, when I came to get it, he did something worse.
- Boop. - He booped my nose!
- In front of everybody! - Gross!
Oh, wait, I thought you said "pooped my nose."
- Never mind. - After that day,
I basically didn't speak to my dad
- until I turned 20. - Oh, God, poor Louis.
Uh-uh, no. Poor Honeybee,
dealing with a weird, embarrassing mall dad.
And my friend Ramona had it even worse.
She worked at the roller rink.
Her dad tried to skate backwards and he died.
- That's terrible! - Yeah. She was mortified.
They left flowers at the exact spot where he died,
and everyone had to skate around them for weeks.
But Judy and I have a great relationship.
Yeah, but by the end of the day it could be in tatters.
Let me give you a few tips.
Today, I want you to basically avoid Judy.
Don't walk in with her, don't chat with her.
Keep eye contact to a minimum.
And if you do talk with her, do not try to use slang.
- Too legit to quit. - Beef, no.
You may never use that phrase again.
It was never cool.
- As if. - I swear to God, old man.
- Sorry. - And no hugs.
Or kisses or "Judy bears."
And stay away from the intercom, Beef.
I don't even know where the intercom is.
That's what I like to hear.
Well, you may see us later at the mall as well,
- because we are going to go see the movie The Electric Monocle. - Hopefully.
Remember, you guys have to help me finish reading the novel.
That book fully blows, but I'm a completist.
I always read the book before I see the movie.
She's a woman of principles and, by God, I'd marry her again.
I even read Fast & Furious Presents:
Hobbs & Shaw Present: Hobbs & Shaw: The Novel,
because they released it before the film.
We're all gonna read sections and then report back.
And Jerry's coming over to help us.
Uh-oh, here comes Judy.
Keep it together, mall Dad.
You ready to go, Pop?
- As if. - Beef, I'm serious.
Well, the Jeremy Jazz Saxophone Situation cassette
you bought me for Father's Day certainly doesn't disappoint.
Uh-huh. Oh, uh, just-- bup-bup-bup--
just drop me off here, Dad.
Huh. I guess Honeybee was right.
Judy is embarrassed of me.
I guess this happens to everyone.
If I don't have a daughter for a while,
I still have all my other interests,
like maintaining our septic system
and maintaining our HVAC system.
Okay, so I appreciate your help, but a little warning.
This book was hard to get into.
That means something coming from you. You read
Cousin Janet's self-published novel
about a plate of spaghetti and meatballs that comes to life.
Real Boy Spaghetti Freddie? Ah, that book was great.
I mean, that fork villain gave me nightmares for weeks.
It's why I eat spaghetti with my hands now.
Okay, I've done the math,
and we only have to read 99.2 pages apiece.
Guys, I find it very hard to read around other people,
because I'm like a T. rex.
I'm distracted by every movement.
But thank God my arms are long enough to hold a book.
Yeah, I'm gonna go read in the guest house.
Okay, I'll see you later, my Ty-read-asaurus rex.
Oh, look, my section starts with an intricate map
of the lands that the 17 groups
fighting for the electric monocle live on.
Looks like mine is all in a made-up language? Merblish?
And you have to use the glossary in the back
for every single word.
Here's a list of a thousand things
that are also round like monocles.
A bowl. A wheel. A circle...
- How's it going? - Working as fast as I can
so I can get out of here without embarrassing my teen.
Okay, well, I'm gonna pop in the back for 15 minutes
and do my breath work.
If I pass out, it might be longer.
Uh-uh, Chris Hemsworth, that's my cinnamon roll. Oh. Oh!
Guys, guys, wake up! Oh, no, we slept for two hours.
- That is not good. - Honeybee, don't panic.
We still got several hours before the movie.
And now we have so much energy to read
about all the different types of light...
refraction...
Okay, everyone's asleep again. Yeah, good idea.
Just a few more steps here. No slang, no nose-booping.
Everything's gonna be okay. Whoops!
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.
Oh, no. It's happening.
Mall dad.
Alyson. Psst. Alyson.
- Alyson! - What?
I-I ripped my pants. I think Judy saw.
- Look how embarrassed she looks. - Don't panic, Beef.
This isn't Chernobyl.
This is the beginning of Chernobyl,
when they thought they could contain it.
- But they couldn't. - But they didn't know that then.
We can just pop out and get new pants.
- Great idea. - Oh, what if I walk right behind you
so I'm hiding your butt crack with my body?
It's not my butt crack. I am wearing underwear.
Darn it. Well, I'll still do it.
- Too legit to quit. - What?
Oh, sorry I seem to be saying that today
when I'm nervous. Let's go.
Welcome to Big and Cold. What can I help you with today?
I'm looking for Large Boy jeans.
Oh, the Large Boy shipment is delayed.
The guy who was driving the boat apparently took
a bunch of acid and ate all the jeans.
Oh. Would you have anything else in my size?
I'm a 38/34.
You know what they say-- 38, dirty eight.
- They say that? - You're a thick man with a sick plan.
- Uh-huh. - 38 is like three whole Fruit by the Foots.
- Please stop. - If you're long in the abdomen, I'm gonna grab you then.
Okay, let's see those pants.
- They're very tight. - You bet they are.
You're squeezing 20 pounds of back in a ten-pound sack.
We'll take 'em.
Oh, no, we fell asleep again? Hello?
Hello, my cellular Cinderella.
Missing you here at the, uh, the b...
guest house, where I am.
Uh, but, uh, how's the reading going?
We all fell asleep. Twice!
Oh, I wish I could help, but, uh,
I'm kind of in the zone right now,
just, uh, reading up a storm.
So I'll see you guys soon, and we'll see that movie.
Bye, Wolf. Okay, guys.
So far, sleeping has not helped us read.
And we have to finish the book so we can see the movie today.
The first-day movie tickets come with a coupon
for a free prescription monocle.
How can we get through a little of the book?
Oh, well, I can never fall asleep if I'm cold.
We could open all the doors and windows.
And... it's hard to sleep if you're in pain.
I have a brand-new poking stick in the panic room.
And we could play some music that's so exciting
and frankly sexual that there's no way we could sleep.
- Oh, the B-52s. - Oh, the B-52s. - The B-52s, yes.
And we'll all read aloud
- and we'll get through what we can. - All right.
Jerry, open the doors to let some cold air in.
Ham, crank the music. Moon...
Ow! I see you already got the stick.
Yup, and I've been practicing on Dad so much
this week, he actually took me out of the will.
Oh, and Wolf got some of that new energy drink
- Testosti-throne at Val-U-Buy. - Huh.
It says here, "Do not drink," but that can't be right.
Let's go crazy on this dumb-ass book.
She barely looked up as we came in.
She's still clearly mad at me. What should I do?
Well, one time Judy was mad at me
because I ate the entire lunch she brought for herself,
so to make it up to her, I took her to lunch at the food court.
But I didn't steal her lunch.
Yeah, but, Beef, teenagers love free food.
Just buy her something disgusting to eat,
don't do anything else embarrassing,
and you'll be fine.
- You think so? - Of course.
Also, I ate her lunch again today,
so she's gonna need something.
Uh, Judy, I was wondering if I could
treat you to lunch in the food court.
Okay, Dad. Fine.
Welcome to Gail's Gravys. What can I coat you in?
Yes, uh, I embarrassed my teen
by showing my butt at the mall,
and I'd like to make it up to her.
Yep, we get that a lot.
I'd recommend one of our dessert gravies.
We have chicken caramel, turkeys and cream,
and Reese's peanut butter ribs.
Or you could go with the Chunk Chicken Chug Boat.
It's a whole rotisserie chicken served
with a large tower of bread and our signature hot trough.
Let me do that, plus the turkeys and cream.
Come on,
we don't want to miss it, mi amor.
I'm coming.
Oh, balls.
- Oh, God. Oh, no. - Oh, sorry, bud.
No refunds. You dropped it, you bought it.
I'm not-I'm not asking for a refund, Gail.
Oh, this is so humiliating.
No, no, it's-it's fine, Judy.
- I'll just clean this on up. - Dad, please.
Let's just get out of here!
- Guys? Guys! - Police Chief Edna?
I was just out on patrol. I saw your door was open
and thought you had a break-in.
Sorry, Edna, we were just trying to stay awake
- to read The Electric Monocle. - Oof, I tried to read it, too.
It's so bad.
It really is, but I have to read the book before I see the movie.
Yup, I'm a completist, too. Darn it.
Well, hey, what if the chief of police
ordered you not to read the book?
It would be against the law.
You really need me to do that?
My sister is very strong-willed.
Okay, I do hereby order under penalty of, um...
- Life in prison. - Okay, sure.
I order that you cannot read The Electric Monocle.
Oh, thank God. Let's get Wolf and go to the movies.
- Yay! - What a relief.
I'm throwing this book in the trash
and I'm throwing the trash in a lake.
- Thank you, Edna. - Oh, and I'm gonna confiscate
these remaining Testosti-thrones.
Two guys in Ketchikan drank a case of this
and then tried to switch hearts.
Wolf, put that awful book down.
Huh, that's weird.
His snow machine's gone.
And his wallet's gone.
And he bought tickets to an earlier screening
of The Electric Monocle.
Oh, no, Wolf's been taken.
No one touch anything.
- This is a crime scene. - Ham, no.
He went to see the movie instead of even trying to read the book.
Let's go to the mall.
I'm gonna do a citizen's divorce.
Perfect, perfect.
What a wonderful, perfect day.
I'm completely embarrassed and he's-he's...
Judy, I'm sorry. I'll go get all new clothes.
- No! - Aah!
Oh, no, no, no. The intercom.
Judy bear, it's Daddy, I'm so sorry.
So, I should never have come to your work.
Honeybee was right. If you don't want to talk to me
till you're 20, that's what I deserve.
Dad, I'm sorry all that stuff happened to you today
and that you thought I hated you,
and, frankly, those jeans are absolutely banoodles,
but the reason I didn't notice any of that stuff today
is because I was in love, but now it's over.
And I'll probably never feel happiness again, okay?
All right, I guess you better tell me your story, J.
Gladly. May I do it in my British narrator voice?
If it'll make you happy, yes.
- Once upon a morrow... - Wait, maybe just regular.
You got it, Dad.
As I was saying,
- once upon a morrow, I... - Judy.
Right, regular voice.
Dad, Judy.
Hi, guys. Wolf, are you wearing a Dracula cape?
Yeah, long story featuring me as a real scamp,
but are you guys okay?
Judy, you look sad.
Well, as I was about to tell Dad,
that's because my heart has been shattered
into a billion million thousand tiny, little, tiny, tiny pieces.
And now my tale of great sorrow.
I begin at sunrise. Here we go.
Alanis. Um, Alanis!
Oh, uh, hey, Judy. Sorry, I was organizing my imaginary pantry.
I have so much oregano, and I'm like, "Why?"
Well, I only have the most important announcement ever.
I'm in love, and I mean love.
The whole enchilada, the entire macaroni casserole,
spending a weekend at a historic hotel
in Big Sur kind of love.
Whoa, that's a lot. I mean, you don't even...
Don't slut-shame me, Alanis.
I wasn't. It's just a long drive to Big Sur.
And also I'm a little surprised,
because we just talked two days ago,
so, um, must be quite a whirlwind romance, huh?
Uh, yeah! His name is Holden.
He's only 17, but he got his GED,
so he's already in community college,
and he works at the movie theater.
He's so sophisticated.
He always has a copy of A Farewell to Arms
- in his back pocket! - GED?
Does that stand for "Gorgeous Educated Dreamboat"?
We've been going out for 48 glorious hours,
and we've done so many romantic things.
He took me to see the magical moment
when all the cuckoo clocks in the cuckoo store go off at once.
And he showed me where they throw out
all the misshapen corn dogs from All Corn Dogs Go to Tummy.
- So he took you to a trash can? - Yes.
And we said what the corn dog pieces looked like,
and he said his piece looked like despair.
He's so deep. Oh, Alanis, he is the one.
I want to give him the full access pass.
Upstairs. Downstairs. Mezzanine.
- Uh, what's on the mezzanine? - I don't know, but we'll find out.
Right after we met, he showed me his favorite
vintage romantic comedy: Rainkiss.
The couple in it kisses in the rain!
Mm, yes, kissing in the rain is great,
but you got to be careful.
Because once in the early 2000s,
I kissed the lead singer of The Mousepads
in a light drizzle,
and my face slipped right off of his
- and into a telephone pole. - Anyway, got to go.
Cannot wait to get to the mall and see Holden again.
Uh, okay, uh, but, Judy...
- Yeah? - Um, just, uh, just be careful,
'cause sometimes when you meet a guy
who makes you fall really hard really fast, it can be...
- What? - You know what, don't worry about it.
If there's something to figure out,
you'll figure it out.
Now get out of here.
Go be in love at the mall.
Mission accepted.
- You ready to go, Pop? - As if.
Guys, I find it very hard to read
around other people because I'm like a T. rex.
Yeah, I'm gonna go read in the guest house.
All right, Wolf, let's do this.
"In the South, where the Glats live,
"there's good growing land for the synthetic corn
called Glorn." Nope, nope.
Nope, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, uh, just-- bup-bup-bup-- just drop me off here, Dad.
Holden! Holden!
Judy! Wow, hi.
Sorry, I was just so lost in thinking about
this T.S. Eliot poem I read this morning.
Life is just so sad sometimes, you know?
- So sad. - But also so beautiful.
Oh, of course it's very beautiful. Mm.
Sorry, I didn't mean to get so heavy.
I just love to read poetry while I have my espresso.
Well, I'd like to espresso how glad I am to see you.
Um, my dad is here today to help with something
at my work, but I can actually always
just tell him I'm getting a ride home from you.
Oh, uh, you know, maybe.
Uh, yeah, I got to get back to work,
but, uh... I'll text you.
Oh, and I also just wanted to tell you
- that I listened to that band you told me about... - Oh, shoot.
I'm gonna be in big trouble if I don't clock in to work.
You know, in a Marxist society,
my boss and I would be equals, but we aren't there yet.
Plus, climate change. Bye, J.
Sure, yeah. Okay, see you soon.
And I agree about climate change!
Oh, hey, Dad. Ready for work?
Yes, but do not tell me where the intercom is.
Uh, okay.
Pretty good disguise, Wolf.
No way Dad or Judy will spot you in this.
We must go see the glass-making wizard.
- Yeah, you must! - Shh!
I'm actually supposed to be reading the book right now.
- Please leave me alone. - I mean, I wanted to be supportive,
- but there was no way I could get through it. - Be quiet.
The Urms are hatching! Prepare the monocle.
I'm sure he'll text any minute.
I'm just gonna check one more time, and... okay.
Soon, though. That's fine.
I'll just maybe sit here
and think about our future together.
Holden!
Roses for me? But what about climate change?
These were grown organically in my rooftop garden.
Judy, I loved our weekend in Big Sur,
and I was so impressed by what I saw on the mezzanine
- that I want you to... - Stop talking, you gorgeous fool.
Rainkiss.
Do you think we'll send our kids to private school?
Hmm, I want to keep them in public but contribute
- to their school's art program. - Me too.
And I'm thinking we'll own a hybrid car,
but we'll mostly just ride our bikes,
and we'll have those little--
oh, you know those little trailers
that you can put a baby in and they look very, very dangerous
but probably super fun for the baby?
Sounds perfect, Judy. Let's kiss more.
Ooh, he texted, I knew it. Oh... huh.
"I'll never forget what we had, but you mean too much to me
for me to keep being with you"?
Uh, wait, that doesn't make any sense.
"You mean so much to me, too.
Can't wait to see you later." Send.
"I'll never forget you"?
No... "You don't have to forget me. I'm right here."
"Judy, sorry, maybe the moon
"and the stars will bring us together again.
Till then, let's just call this... a break"?
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God!
Did I actually just hear my heart rip?
Okay, still got a few hours left till I'm supposed to see
that monocle mess again with Honeybee and everybody.
Oh, Pope Fight is playing?
Yeah, maybe I'll just make a quick call
and make sure nobody's noticed I'm gone.
Yeah. I just love to read poetry
while I'm having my espresso in the morning.
Have you ever heard of Big Sur, California?
I've always dreamed of going there with someone like you.
This wig is so itchy.
Ugh. That's the last time I buy used.
Hello, my cellular Cinderella.
Missing you here at the, uh, the b...
guest house, where I am.
Uh, but, uh, how's the reading going?
Uh, Judy, I was wondering if I could
treat you to lunch in the food court.
Okay, Dad. Fine.
The gravy navy is reporting for duty.
By which I mean I'll go get us some gravy.
Yeah, a huge cup of gravy. That'll make me feel better.
- Too legit to quit. - All right, thanks, man.
Solid.
Holden!
- Hey, Judy. - Look.
Here we are, by the trash can
where they throw out the misformed corn dogs again.
Yeah. Nice to see you, Judy.
Nice to see you, too.
Holden, how could you just
throw me away like a misformed corn dog?
Oh, Judy, the thing is, you...
you mean too much for me to keep being with you.
Uh, yeah, that is just very confusing
and I don't think that it actually means anything.
Judy, it means everything.
You were very special to me.
I wouldn't just take any girl to the cuckoo clock store
to see all the cuckoos sing at once.
That meant a lot to me, but life has other journeys for us.
- I'll see you on the road. - Number 66.
That's me, Judy. See you on the road.
Yeah, you... said that already.
- Hey, handsome. - There she is.
Come on, we don't want to miss it, mi amor.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
He's with someone else already?
Oh, this is so humiliating.
No, no, it's-it's fine, Judy. I'll just clean this on up.
Dad, please. Let's just get out of here!
Wolf.
Oh, h-hey, guys.
- Well, well, well. - You traitor.
Honeybee! Guys! I, uh...
I-I was, uh, reading that darn book,
you know, when my phone rang and there was this...
oh, this deep voice that said,
"Put on a Dracula cape and come to the mall.
We have a nuclear submarine."
And I was like, "No."
Wolf, I don't want to be judgmental,
but I don't believe your story!
Rainkiss.
Judy bear, it's Daddy, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, so that was my day.
Ah, Jude, sorry, I was so wrapped up
in my fear that you'd reject me
that I didn't help you out when you were having a hard time.
Why were you worrying that I would reject you, Dad?
Okay, that might be my fault.
I told him I never wanted my dad at my job
when I was a teenager, and I stand by that.
But, Beef, I got to give it to you.
Your kids sure don't seem to mind having you around.
- True. - I concur. - He's dope.
Well, I'm gonna throw a snowball at this Holden
at the earliest opportunity.
Looks like they're letting people back into the mall.
Should we finally go see The Electric Monocle?
Trust me, guys, it is so bad.
- You do not want to go. - Works for me.
Now I didn't break my own rule.
Let's go home and stream something really good.
Oh, yeah. I think The Rock's new movie
is available now-- Frankenstrong--
where he plays that absolutely ripped Frankenstein.
Ooh, yeah, he humiliates those dumb-ass torches.
You know, I think Tarantino is both over and underrated.
Drive, Dad! Drive, drive!
Is a soft, perfect rainkiss
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH