Like a rock
Moving on, the annual
Cavalcade of Ships is almost upon us.
It's time once again for us to transform
one of the town's boats into a themed float,
then parade it down the marina,
competing against the three nearest towns,
Death Cliff, Whippleton and Ted's Folly.
Screw Whippleton!
Wow, you guys all really hate other towns.
We don't hate them.
We just don't like them at all.
Yeah. And we hate them.
Yes. We hate them.
Why?
Sometimes we get bored up here in Alaska.
And rivalries are fun.
Okay. Asked and answered, Your Honor.
Now Councilperson Toby the Eagle will select the ship
representing our town this year.
The Mighty Kathleen,
captained by Beef Tobin.
We're all wishing you the best,
even though we know there's no way
in Lucifer's loafers we'll win.
Wait, why is everyone acting so down?
I'm sure we can win.
This family is very good at boat stuff.
Well, my New-to-the-North Nympho...
- Wolf, we've talked about that name. - Sorry. Yep.
While everyone does love the Cavalcade of Ships--
it's a proud tradition that goes back hundreds of years--
our town never wins.
- And we hate that. - Yep.
Death Cliff and their captain, Randy Jammers,
have won the last ten years in a row.
What does the winning town get, a million dollars?
Better than a million dollars.
A plaque that says "Best Boat Town."
So it's a silly contest with a meaningless prize
but we all care an insane amount about it?
You just described all of sports,
every competitive reality show
and life itself.
But, that said, yes.
And, boy, would we love to get our hands on that plaque.
Because, let's face it,
as a town, we've had a hard year.
A hooligan spray-painted a Smurf on our only overpass.
I'm still upset that someone left
a washing machine in the river.
And who can forget last Christmas,
when we thought someone was doing skywriting
but it turned out to be a plane crash.
The point is we could really use a win this year for town morale.
We can't compete with Death Cliff. No one can.
Maybe we should attack them and kill Randy Jammers.
- It's worth considering. - Guys, guys, guys.
I know I'm new around here, but I don't think it's impossible
for us to become the best boat town out of four towns.
I love Lone Moose,
and it's the best boat town in my book.
Maybe we can win again.
My dad's gonna be the captain, and he's always winning.
It's true. Just last night, I gave him a trophy
for Most Reassuring Hug that I made him myself.
It was an honor, son.
And I'll be in charge of the float design.
And I can be Judy's grumpy foreman who says stuff
like "That'll be the day."
And I have always wanted to save a town,
ideally through dancing, but this'll be good, too.
Best Boat Town.
Okay, Tobins, we have two weeks.
Lone Moose is counting on you.
And now our next matter, Archie Scrimm.
- Yeah. - You were cited for illegally cutting down a tree.
I had to chop it down, but it weren't malicious.
I seen a woman trapped inside it,
and I had to free her with my sculpting.
Now she's my wife.
Thanks for getting us those tickets
to the monster truck rally.
I love watching those cars get crushed.
Oh, I actually root for the cars.
Likely gonna be a melancholy night for me.
Well, speaking of big, exciting events,
as you know, the Cavalcade of Ships is coming up,
and I am one of the town's boat boys.
Sure, you are, sweetie.
You're the boat-iest boy I know.
Crispin, no.
It's part of the cavalcade.
Every boat has a pair of boat boys assigned to it.
They walk along the shore, guiding the pace of their boat
while dressed in the ceremonial boat boy attire.
Ah, Lone Moose is a diamond with a hundred glimmering facets.
Sadly, my old boat boy partner, Octavio,
recently died of natural causes at age 100.
And I was wondering if you would do me the honor
of sharing in a dockside stride with me.
Hamantha, this all sounds fully nuts and not really up my alley,
but if it's important to you, I'm in.
Okay, if we want to win,
I got to see how other people won.
I just have to study every year's cavalcade.
Wow. This guy's one hell of a looker.
Oh, come on, Wolf. Focus.
You're not here to scope out studs.
Hello.
Never saw a dreamboat driving a steamboat before.
Wait a minute.
Hunk. Hunk. Stud.
Hunk. Hunk.
Babe. Smokeshow.
It's like every captain that ever won is a super hunk.
Oh, my God, that's it.
That's the secret.
The boat with the hottest captain always wins.
I got to tell the town.
Oh, no, I'm hunk drunk at the library.
I probably shouldn't drive home.
Well, what do you think?
Wouldn't be my first choice,
but I'm happy to support your hobby.
You didn't want to go to the Museum of Lizards with me,
but there you were, by my side,
saying, "Can we leave now?"
Oh, I loved when we left.
What else should I know about being a boat boy?
Aside from how important it is to the town, not much.
It's literally just walking slowly
and then saying "Let's go boat."
Let's go boat.
Incredible. You really haven't done this before?
Allow me and my grumpy foreman Moon
to present our boat float theme
for this year's Cavalcade of Ships.
We give you...
Lone Moose in the year 2050.
Picture it-- melted glaciers,
Internet troll droids.
Giant plastic water bottles with muscular legs.
It's a wake-up call and I...
- The theme doesn't matter. - What are you talking about?
I've figured out the secret to winning the Cavalcade of Ships.
We don't need a hot boat.
We need a hot captain.
Like Randy Jammers.
The hottest captain always wins.
Look, I'll show you. Take a look
at these vintage newspapers I stole from the library.
Wolf, I really wish you hadn't stolen from the library.
You already have thousands of dollars in library fines.
Yeah, yeah, and I'm good for it. But look.
These are the winning captains from the last 40 years.
Ted's Folly, 11 years ago-- hunk.
Whippleton, 13 years ago-- babe.
And there's more. Hunk. Stallion.
Hot piece. Stud. Absolute snack.
Folks, we are talking elite-level handsomes
across the board.
Damn it, Wolf, you've done it.
So what do we do, Wolf?
We just need to find the hottest guy we can
and then make him this year's captain.
And what about the float?
Uh, just make it sexy.
A sexy float to back up our hot captain.
Okay. Okay, yeah.
We'll just give the Internet trolls large naturals.
Am I to just hand command of The Mighty Kathleen over
to some pretty face who can't steer?
No, Dad, you'll still be the actual captain.
The hottie's just for show.
He's crowd candy.
And I know what you're all thinking,
and, yes, my dad is known around town
as a nice piece of business,
but he's not what these vultures are looking for.
In order to find what we need,
Honeybee and I will hold hunk auditions.
It's something we were gonna do eventually anyway,
so it'll be nice to have an official reason.
Then, Wolf, I give you the full authority of my office
to do whatever it takes to find this very hot man.
Yes. Yes.
Let the Hunker Games begin.
May the bods be ever in our favor.
Okay, number 53 is next. Bring that hotness.
It is I, Santiago Carpaccio.
Mr. Carpaccio, have you ever been hot professionally?
No, this would be my first gig.
That thing you're doing with your body--
is that part of the hotness?
You tell me.
I will tell you...
that I love it personally,
but we're going for People's Sexiest Man here,
and I don't think the people are ready.
Thank you for the opportunity.
- Next. - This is my cousin Ronnie.
He's an arm model. Show 'em the business, Ronnie.
Sorry, but it's a pass.
The forearms are doing all the heavy lifting here.
Unflex, Ronnie. No more freebies for these fools.
- Next. - Two of you.
Okay, I'm intrigued.
Okay, so I've got a rockin' bod and Eric has a hot face.
But put us together and...
Ta-da.
Uh, give us a minute.
Sure, it's got a fun freak factor,
but they are all jingle, no jangle.
Uh, we can hear you. You're talking really loud.
Uh, we were talking about, uh, something... else.
Oh, okay. Well, we also sing duets.
Do you like "Islands in the Stream"?
Love it. Let's hear a little bit.
Okay. Let's begin.
Just walk ten feet so I can see your technique.
It's a little... quick.
Can I ask, are you picturing boats?
You need to have a light, airy feeling in your whole body,
so you really should be picturing boats.
Watch me.
The boat boy pace is step, pause, step
and step, pause, step.
Okay, and what was I doing?
Step, step, step, step, step, step, step.
Let's try again.
Baby, I'm trying, but my legs just want to go.
Oh, excuse us. We don't mean to interrupt.
I'm Gavin, and this is my husband Luke.
And this is Pet Midler and Dog-ara Hershey.
Are you two practicing to be boat boys?
Yep. I'm Ham. I've been a boat boy for years.
This is my boyfriend Crispin. It's his first time.
That's wonderful. We met when we were boat boys together.
Actually, I believe the harmony we developed
by walking together in unison is responsible
for the success of our long and happy marriage.
Being in sync with your partner in every single possible way
is so important.
Like, for instance, us, we're both color-blind,
we both love to have playful ingredient fights
when we make tiramisu.
We have identical resting heart rates.
- 67. - 67.
And neither of us has ever seen the show Lost.
Anyway, we hope you don't mind, but we have some thoughts.
Ham, you were a pleasure to watch.
With a stride like that...
...who needs the boat?
Now, Crispin, we love your enthusiasm...
Love it. You can't fake that. You just can't.
But you're too fast and moving at all the wrong times.
I think he's getting it.
We'll be in sync by competition day, no doubt.
Hmm. Okay, if you say so.
Yeah, maybe you two will sync up.
And if you don't, it doesn't mean
your relationship won't work out.
I hope we've put your minds at ease.
Happy strutting.
Yeah.
- Should we... - Try to get more in sync? Yes.
- Let's go. - Crispin.
Come back.
Mr. Tobin, we only have
four days left till the Cavalcade of Ships.
Will my jaw be dropping today?
Mayor Peppers, we really tried, but... I'll say it--
the men in this town are pleasant-looking, at best.
We let you down.
If I could somehow make a man, I would.
I can make you a man.
What?
A wooden man.
Sexiest man you've ever seen.
You all know me. I'm Archie,
professional whittler of wooden wives.
I make them for lonely sailors to take out upon the high seas
to help 'em get through the lonely nights.
Ok, um, sorry, but you can't just force
wooden women into marriages.
What if they want to pursue careers or travel?
They can. Several of them are nurses,
and one's a professional skateboarder.
Look, the point is this--
for the right price, I can make your sexy man.
A man so good-looking you'll quit sleep
'cause you can't take your eyes off of him.
Handsome? No, he's hand-all.
So, who can you make the wooden man look like?
Denzel Washington?
Let's make him look like my ex, Chab Smoot.
He had a little tail you could steer him around with.
Trust me, what I make will be beyond your wildest imaginings.
Guys, no. We shouldn't play God like this.
We should if it means we cut off Whippleton's butt cheeks
and clap them together like cymbals.
That's the spirit.
Let's eat Ted's Folly alive.
So it's settled-- we're gonna pay a guy
to carve us a wooden hunk
so that Lone Moose can win the boat parade
and get ourselves a sexy little snack plaque.
I can't wait to see what Archie is cooking up for us.
Son, I have to admit I have some concerns about this.
I'm not sure how we're gonna get a wood man to steer the boat.
Oh, don't worry about that.
You'll be the one steering the boat.
You can crouch down, out of sight, in the wheelhouse.
All right. If it helps the town win,
I'll be the person behind the scenes,
like Nicole Holofcener,
director of Enough Said.
Greetings. Let us now uncover the man within the wood.
I've got some rough sketches for you to look over.
Oh, these aren't right. Hotter.
Hotter. He's got to be hotter.
This one wood fellow seems rather attractive.
Yeah, he's double-take hot,
but we need "the bartender is so distracted
"when the wooden man walks in
that he overfills a glass of beer" hot.
I think I know what to do.
I've got this irresistible piece of driftwood
that I found on the shore after a lightning storm.
Mother Ocean's been lapping her tongue on this stud for decades
to make him virile and intoxicating.
Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I get it.
This must be how God felt when he first saw the wood
he was gonna carve Brad Pitt from.
Archie, I'm saying I do
and I would to this wood.
Okay. One final question,
should the wooden man be... functional?
No.
Wait, is it the same price?
- Wolf, no. - Wolf, no.
All right. Whole new day of practice.
I'm pretty sure I can slow myself down.
And I'll try to speed myself up.
Soon, we'll be syncin' like Lincoln.
One, two, three.
Nope, that's not it.
What if we tried holding hands?
Mm, I feel like we should really focus on walking.
I meant holding hands while we're walking.
Oh. Right.
One, two, three.
We're doing it.
- We're perfectly in sync. - Yeah. Finally.
Maybe we should just give up.
We'll never be as in sync as that other couple with their...
sweaters and their perfectly in sync dogs.
The dogs. Yes.
I think I'm having a great idea.
That we should steal the dogs?
What? No.
Oh. Right. Let's not steal the dogs.
I don't want to steal them.
We wait for them to run away
and then we just let them live with us.
All right, Wolf Tobin
- is here and... - We want to see some log.
Oh, I'm so sorry, everyone.
He couldn't make it.
But there's someone else who'd like to say hello.
Guys, meet my best friend,
our new Cavalcade of Ships captain.
And, look, his little arm even waves. Isn't that fun?
- Does this nice young man have a name? - Not yet.
I've got it. He should be named Bernard Particle-Board.
His last name is hyphenated because he decided
to take his wife's name.
Her name is Theresa Particle.
She keeps a small apartment in the city just for writing and...
Love the backstory, Judy, but "Bernard Particle-Board"
is a real mouthful.
What about "Todd Hottsworth"?
And we can call him "Hot Toddy."
A tall thermos of Hot Toddy coming right up.
To watch the movie Mannequin through Todd's eyes? Wow.
It's like a whole new film.
The DVD cover was right.
"When she comes to life, anything can happen."
Maybe I should get a moped
so Todd and I can cruise around Lone Moose
doing high fives and whatnot.
We should get to bed.
We've got the Cavalcade of Ships tomorrow.
- Ready to go home, babe? - I'll meet you there.
Gonna spend a little quality time with Todd.
But don't worry-- I'll make sure he gets his beauty rest.
What a day, huh?
I got to say, you're positively glowing.
I guess that's just the varnish,
but, hey, if it ain't broke, huh?
Now, let me tell you a little about myself.
I was 22 pounds at birth
because my mom just absolutely refused to go to the hospital...
And that's why I'm scared to death
of those apple-throwing trees
from The Wizard of Oz.
No. No. No. No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What have I done? Half his beautiful face is burned off.
We were just having a few drinks, shooting the breeze.
It should have been me instead.
No, son, it should not have been you that was burned alive
instead of this wooden man.
What are we gonna do?
The whole town was counting on him.
On me.
Maybe we can fix him?
I guess we owe it to Todd--
and the town-- to try.
Okay, so I used a little bit of spackle
and a little bit of paint
and then I sprayed him with Dad's cologne,
just to give him a boost of confidence.
- What do you guys think? - Yikes.
Never said "yikes" before, but it felt right.
Wolf, he's disgusting.
Frang it.
Well, why don't we just shift gears
and have a regular, human, non-hot captain?
No. I won't sideline Todd.
He's worked too hard for this.
Trust me, Todd's got this.
Todd's got this by the ass.
- Hey, that slime is fun. - Then I have failed, because it represents
our melting glaciers, and there's nothing fun about that.
All right, everybody shut your slime holes.
It's time to go over the plan.
Honeybee, Judy and I will lay on the deck
and use ropes to turn Todd so that he appears lifelike.
And so no one sees the burned part of his face.
Meanwhile, Dad will actually be the one steering
- from the wheelhouse. - Copy that.
And, Moon, you'll keep us aligned with the boat boys' pace
- on the shore. - Tobins.
Ah-ha. Mayor.
So good to see you.
Not as good as it will be to see that plaque
that says "Best Boat Town" at the end of the day.
Now, where is that wooden wonder Todd?
Uh, he's... resting.
But don't worry, he's still hot.
And nothing bad has happened to him.
Okay...
The way you're saying that makes it sound like
something bad has happened.
Oh, no, I didn't mean that at all.
Because it's very weird that you would bring that up.
Do you see my point?
Don't worry. This is just what
my husband is like when he's nervous.
We'll be chanting "Best Boat Town" in no time at all.
Wonderful. Because winning that plaque is the only thing
that could bring happiness to an entire town
that is holding on by the thinnest of threads.
Good. Because, again...
nothing bad has happened.
Wolf, do not start that again.
Bye, Mayor Peppers.
And let's hear one final round of applause
for Whippleton.
Ooh, Whippleton.
"Look at us. We have two dumps."
And coming up next, Death Cliff.
Hospices are the deepest bummer I can think of,
but, damn, if Jammers isn't pulling it off.
- Let's go boat. - Let's go boat.
Look at that robust gait.
Yeah, they're good.
Now, are you sure you're okay
with us wearing this little doggie leash?
Yes. This is the only way to truly stay in sync.
We'll show Gavin and Luke
they aren't the only perfectly in sync couple in town.
Oh, who, uh... who's the other one?
- Us. - Oh, right.
Now I get what you're saying.
Let's go boat.
Okay, save that magic for the show, hon.
Now entering the cavalcade,
steered by Captain Todd Hottsworth,
let's hear three cheers for Lone Moose.
Whoa, the slime is really slippery, Judy.
Yeah, well, so is the problem of climate change.
- Let's go boat. - Let's go boat.
- Go, Dad. - Okay, Todd, this is it.
Time to shine.
Is he pulling it off? Is he wowing them?
I'm gonna leave my family for that captain.
Of course he is.
He's ding dang doing it.
You got it.
Step, pause, step, pause.
- Let's go boat. - Let's go boat.
Crispin, listen, it may be too late for this now,
since we're already walking, but,
those perfectly in sync guys, they creep me out.
I don't think couples are supposed to be exactly alike.
Who cares if you walk faster?
Yeah, and so what if I like spaghetti
and you like fettuccini?
It's all the same under the sauce.
We like different things sometimes,
but that doesn't bother us.
And that's pretty freakin' cool if you ask me.
And we are in sync on something:
we like each other very much.
So are you saying what I think you're saying?
Yes. Let's unclip and each go boat at our own pace.
- Let's go... boat. - Let's go boat. Let's go boat.
- Let's go... boat. - Let's go boat.
The boat boys are moving at two different speeds.
Who do I follow?
Uh, I guess the faster one?
Uh-oh. Can't let anyone see Todd's singed shame.
Oh, God, slime.
Oh, no, no, no.
Hang on, Todd.
No.
And the winner is...
Death Cliff.
Randy Jammers will accept the plaque.
Thank you, Death Cliff. We are all so...
Wait, excuse me. I need to say something.
Hello. Wolf Tobin, Lone Moose. Nice to see ya.
First of all, congratulations to Death Cliff.
But that's not why I'm up here.
I'm up here because I saw something special today.
I saw a town that was disheartened
by a washing machine in a river come together like never before.
And we were brought together by one man.
Someone who most people would ignore
if they saw him on the street.
"Oh, he doesn't count."
"Uh, he's not real."
"Oh, he's a carved piece of driftwood and is a statue."
Yeah. Well, he may not be alive,
but he does have a heart.
The heart of Lone Moose.
Look, did we only love Mr. Todd Hottsworth when he was hot?
Oh, but then he gets decapitated.
We just turn our backs on him. Well, not me.
He gave us hope.
And he's still my captain.
And if he's still your captain,
raise your hand.
Come on, raise 'em up.
He's a real man with a rich life.
My sexual attraction to a pretend man
helped me forget my troubles for a minute or two.
We all loved him. All of us.
And so what if we're not the best boat town?
Wolf, are you kidding me?
This whole town agreed to carve a wooden man
and pretend he was a hunky captain
just to win a plaque that means absolutely nothing.
This is easily the best town.
Right after Fresno.
And Fresno doesn't even have boats.
Making us the best boat town.
Yeah. Maybe we did do it.
Best boat town.
Okay. Thank you for... whatever that was.
And, Randy, if you'd like to continue speaking...
I, uh, can't follow that.
So does the crowd mind if I just flex a little?
Flex it, Randy.
You did it, my boy.
You saved the town.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH