Like a rock
We're broken down at South Road and Limestone Canyon.
Thank you so much. Love you, bye.
Dang it. Did I say "I love you" to a stranger again?
You got to stop doing that, babe.
That lady from the deli will not stop calling you.
Yeah, and sometimes, she comes over if I don't answer.
Well, AAA said they can't get a tow truck out here
for at least two hours.
Ugh, it's so cold in here,
my fingers feel like a pack of frozen hot dogs.
Oh, no, now I want to eat my fingers.
Ooh, why don't we wait in that place over there?
Crocodile Rob's?
Yeah, no can do. That's on Dad's "Tobins No Go Ins" list.
One of the spots where Mom used to get black-out drunk
and pull some of her most notorious fun-anigans.
It's strictly forbidden.
I get it, your mom is haunting you
like a Julianne Moore performance,
but I'm freezing, so we're going just this once.
Okay, fine, but I'm warning you,
I bet this place is a total anus.
Yeah, but it looks like a warm anus
that's probably full of artichoke dip, so let's roll.
What in God's green Christmas?
Australia, mate.
Is it crazy that I want to get divorced
so we can get remarried here?
Ugh. This must be what Chris Hemsworth
feels like all the time.
Okay, that food was good as hell.
Should we go home and get our stuff so we could live here?
Would you two like dessert?
I'd suggest our sundae shaped like the Sydney Opera House.
Ha! Oh, and, Crocodile Tom,
is there any way you can sit down with us for dessert?
Ah, sorry, mate, but, unfortunately,
it's against the rules.
Fair dinkum, Crocodile Tom. Fair dinkum.
Hello, Londra.
Ooh, what are you working with there?
Your fixed blade kershaw?
You guessed it.
You know, Beef, this awkward silence
where you just hum to yourself reminds me,
I've wanted to talk to you about... knife club.
Uh-huh. I'm hosting our second meeting later this week.
Yeah, and I guess we were all surprised that you volunteered
to do that because it didn't seem like you enjoyed yourself
at the first one. If you want to quit, we will...
What? But I loved knife club.
Why on earth would I want to quit?
'Cause you just stood in a corner for two hours
clutching your knife and mumbling to yourself,
and when Golovkin did his hilarious knife parody song,
you barely even smiled.
"Two Tickets to Pair of Knives"? I found that intensely amusing.
If you're the host,
you're gonna need to make everyone feel welcome.
Well, I guess I'm just not much of a small talker,
but I love knife club and everyone in it.
Hey, guys, wacky weather we're having.
Wacky A.H. As Halibut Cove.
You never know if you should bring your umbrella
or your bikini.
Uh-oh, here comes trouble. Hi, Father Dougan.
Hey, Londra, working hard or hardly working?
She was clearly working hard.
Uh, okay. I was making a joke.
Right.
Welp, off I go. Off to the boat.
Going into town. See you later.
All right. See y'all later then.
Uh-oh. Did I act weird again?
- A little. - Darn it. I should've told them
about the severed brown bat wing I found on my car.
Everybody loves bat stories.
Sure, Beef, sure.
You two have barely touched your food.
Are you afraid-o of my alfredo?
I was afraid of my teacher, Mr. Alfredo.
He used to throw his dentures at people.
Uh, well, Beef, to be honest,
when the van broke down, we kind of...
Ate the van jerky, like, all ten packs of it.
Nothing else. No crikey burgers or anything.
I mean, what even are they? I never heard of them.
And what is that sauce?
Okay, I got a little lost in your sauce talk there, son,
but I actually have something I wanted to ask you all about.
I'm hosting knife club here this week.
: Sorry,
but you know I can't resist that.
And it was brought to my attention today
that I often look upset and unapproachable.
Uh-huh, yeah, I mean, only when you're not talking,
which is a lot. Why are you suddenly worried about it?
Well, today, Londra practically uninvited me
to knife club because she thought that I didn't enjoy it.
And I think the root of it is that
I don't really do small talk.
I never thought about it too much,
but to almost get kicked out
of the coolest new group in Lone Moose?
Well, Dad, if you don't like idle chitchat,
you just can do what I do when I'm uncomfortable,
I just check my wooden phone, like this.
Mm. Russell posted his "Outfit of the Day." Like.
You can borrow it if you want.
Thanks, Moon, but, actually, I've been trying to think
of ways to make the next meeting
of the knife club more entertaining.
- Here's what I've come up with. - Dad, that's a board game I made
for my seventh grade history class.
Though, it is pretty fun.
If you land on the gazebo, you die.
What about asking Londra to give you
a little small talk coaching? She's a real pro.
Hmm. Yes. I will ask the small talk master
to take me under her mouth wing.
Okay, yeah, you do need a little help with how you say things.
Who's calling me?
I don't know anyone in Ohio. Ignore.
I got so many sick socks today.
I've been looking for those knee-highs forever.
They're so long, they're like upside down pants.
And the fries from Gail's Gravies
are always pretty good, but it was no you-know-where.
I know, I want to go back, too,
but Dad hates Crocodile Rob's and that's a Crocodile Prob.
What would your dad do if he found out?
Well, one time, I told my dad I wanted to go to a party
at the bowling alley, which is another one
of the forbidden zones, and he somehow
crawled into the coffee table.
- That's not possible. - I know.
Ugh, okay, fine.
I guess we'll just have to live a boring, gray life
without Crabbie Nugs, or Naomi Watts Tater Tots.
Or Clam Chuggers, or Fried Salad Spears.
Welcome back, my best friends.
How about a basket of fries that never ends?
Just one more meal at Crocodile Rob's,
we get it out of our systems,
and then I can kiss my dad goodnight
- without feeling guilty. - Hey,
sorry, mates, you guys look incredibly cool
standing on your seats like surfboards,
but it is against restaurant policy.
Sure thing, Tom. We're no Budgie Smugglers.
Yeah, no, that actually means "bathing suits."
Good "onya."
Wolf, out with it. Why did you
call this emergency meeting? Do you think that you
solved the chalkboard problem in Good Will Hunting again?
Because I'm telling you, I am not losing
- three more hours to that. - No, although I am close.
But this isn't about that. I have super shocking news.
Honeybee and I went to Crocodile Rob's.
- Satan's speakeasy? - The taboo tavern?
Wolf, that place is off-limits, just like the bowling alley.
And the magic club, Ta-Da's.
And the owl sanctuary.
Guys, I know, I know.
And it's worse than you think, we went twice.
I think we might have a problem.
Are you saying you want us to intervention you guys?
Should we arrange some chairs in a circle of caring?
An intervention is not necessary.
We're absolutely never going back again,
and we're gonna tell Dad that we went,
and let him say something really brutal like,
: "I'm disappointed with you."
Let's get this bloodbath over with. Where is he?
Oh, he went to go see Londra to get some small talk lessons
before he hosts knife club tonight.
- Dang it. - So...
what was it like in Crocodile Rob's?
I always pictured a big pit of crocodiles smoking cigars
and wearing derbies and, you know,
harassing the croco-waitresses.
Oh, Ham, no. It's like nowhere you've ever been,
and nowhere you'll ever go, 'cause we can't,
but it's freaking wonderful inside.
They have lush fake palm trees everywhere, chugo-dile cups...
Sick place mats with facts about Australia on them.
A super tall cocktail called a Daiquiri Doo.
Mad Max Meatballs...
There's a stoplight on the wall.
And a bicycle on the ceiling.
I hate these pants.
Welcome back, adventurers.
Well, flush me down the toilet in reverse,
we just can't seem to stay away.
Hiya, Beef. I hear we're in for a wet one later this week.
I wish I could respond to that in a fun and carefree manner,
but I can't, and that's why I'm here.
Londra, take me under your wing.
Teach me how to make the talk that is small.
Teach me A.H.
Well, right there, that didn't make any sense.
Gibberish and small talk are two very different things, Beef.
Yes, and I'd like to learn that difference
- before the party tonight. - Before tonight?
Well, then, we've got a lot of field to plough,
and we're short a few horses.
Now... was that gibberish?
You're asking the right questions, Beef.
I'll explain in the car.
The post office is a great place
to watch small talk in action.
Just stand back and learn.
What are you writing in your notebook there?
Nothing, I was uncomfortable,
so, uh, I made a bunch of squiggles.
Well, stop writing and listen to people.
Hey, June. Can I borrow your pen?
No can do, Jim, but I'll rent it to you for ten bucks.
You see, Beef,
when making small talk, it is customary for people
to tease each other and reject what each other says
- in a playful manner. - Yes, I have seen this,
but I have never been confident enough to try it myself.
Okay, here's your chance, Beef.
Uh, excuse me. Could you pass me
one of those packing slips behind you?
- No. - Wow. Uh, okay.
I am just kidding. You know, "small talk."
Hello, there. Uh, hardly working or workly harding...
Damn it!
This weather... right?
Yeah, if you don't like it,
just wait a minute, it'll change.
- Well, that's not true. - Beef.
I mean, good one. Now, I will say one.
Take my wife, please. J.K., my wife left me.
That was a little better. We'll keep working on it.
Well, all that practice
being very weird to strangers
at the post office really paid off. You did great
greeting everyone when they showed up.
Was it okay that I said, "Here comes trouble,"
- to all of them? - Yeah, Beef.
Luckily, no one showed up at the same time,
so they all felt special.
- There goes trouble. - Good one, Beef.
I'm looking forward to the weekend.
It is the weekend.
Then I'm looking forward to next weekend.
- You know it, pal. - No more snacks for you, Kyle.
- Oh. - I'm being humorous. Eat the snacks.
Oh, the pizza must be here.
I told them we'd cut it ourselves with our knives,
so get ready for some fun.
All right, let's go ditch this croc-a-wear
before the big guy...
Oh, hello, kids.
Dad, I know what this looks like,
but there's a really good explanation.
Okay, is the explanation that you went to Crocodile Rob's?
Multiple times! Forgive us.
Crocodile Rob is too powerful.
He's too powerful, Dad!
Dad, you weren't supposed to find out like this.
Yeah, we had a whole plan. We were gonna ask you
to sit down and Wolf was gonna light
his newest Macho Calm brand scented candle,
Chamomile Karate Chop.
Look, Dad, yes, we did go to Rob's,
but it didn't mean anything.
Don't say that, Wolf.
Fine, it meant everything. It's so rad in there.
Look, I know Mom farted up a lot of places,
and the emotional smell still lingers,
but Crocodile Rob's is heaven on Earth.
There, I said it.
It's like if Hugh Jackman were a bar.
- It's not a hellhole, Dad. - It's a wonder-hole.
And there is no reason to avoid it, Beef. It's fun.
You had... fun?
Yeah, Dad, we had fun. We had a lot of fun.
Understood.
Please, Dad, don't leave. I'm sorry we wanted to eat
Plump Papaya Pistachio Pudding Ploppers
in a fun and carefree environment.
It's sad we don't have
a dad anymore, but at least I have this squeaky crocodile
that came with my kid's meal. Maybe he'll raise me.
I mean, I get why Dad's upset.
It's kind of like we're all dating him,
and then we cheated with another
middle-aged smokeshow named Crocodile Rob,
and while we all still love Dad,
we also want to fool around with Crocodile Rob on the side,
but just in a way where everyone understands
the rules so no one gets hurt.
Sweetie, you really need to work on how you talk about your Dad.
I feel bad, but...
I also feel like I want to go to Crocodile Rob's again sometime.
Is that wrong?
No, I'm actually kind of mad.
We could've been going there our whole lives.
We missed out on so many good times.
It really makes me wonder about all these other places
we've stayed away from because Dad doesn't like going to them.
- They could be great, too. - Yeah.
I've always wanted to go to the Vietnamese market
where Dad said Mom fell into the lobster tank,
- and then refused to get out. - And the Death Cliff aquarium
where Dad said Mom fell in the starfish tank
- and refused to get out. - I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I guess since Dad's already mad,
maybe we should just... get it out of our systems
and go to all the No-Tobes Zones.
- I guess now's our chance. - I like going places.
All right then, let's go and take a stroll
right into the Tobin Shame-hole.
Guess which one of my ears is fake.
She went to the hospital and then jail.
To be fair, he did steal a quarter from behind her ear.
That woman was a freak for quarters.
We went to all these places, and nothing bad happened.
I don't know what I thought would happen.
I always thought I'd immediately order
a Singapore Sling and descend into madness.
Guys, she's not here, and you're not her.
You don't have to feel bad about the things she did.
Yeah, it's kind of like...
She stole me a Nightlife Elegance Ken,
but I had to return him.
I told you we should check it out.
Ah, crap. My wig's on fire again.
Oh, God. Nope. Mom can have that one.
All right, gather round,
it's time to cut the knife club cake.
We can use our own knives if we take turns.
Remember what happened last time.
My scar will be a beautiful reminder that I have friends.
Wait. Has anyone seen Beef?
Eh, not for an hour or so.
He's probably just off somewhere silently clutching his knife.
Oh, boy.
Welp, we reclaimed Mom's poisoned haunts,
except for Danky's,
of course. Danky's can burn in hell.
Let's head home, apologize to Dad again,
and put this ugly chapter behind us forever.
Wait, what about Crocodile Rob's?
I know we went there earlier, but, like,
should we reclaim it one more time, or how are we feeling?
I don't know, guys.
Maybe we should just quit while we're ahead...
Hello! There they are, my favorite family.
What a cool van.
Hey, let's go throw some good times on the barbie.
We're right behind you, Tom!
Hey, Beef.
Kind of surprised to see you out here.
You were doing so well in there and then you disappeared.
Do you want to tell me what's going on?
I went out front because I thought the pizza was here,
and when I got outside, I saw my kids,
and they had been to Crocodile Rob's,
and I got upset.
Why? I love that place.
They have that animatronic koala that does insult comedy.
He called me a slag and Dusty a drongo.
It's so much fun there.
Yeah, that's kind of the problem.
See, I've always let the kids believe
that they're not allowed to go there
because I had bad times there with their mom,
but, actually,
I had a lot of good times there with their mom.
The trouble is, I find good memories
to be more painful than bad memories.
I feel like the fun people always leave.
Kathleen, my parents,
the gas station attendant who invited me to his house
to watch Man on Fire. He moved back to Sitka.
Oh, sorry about your friend you watched Man on Fire with.
And I think I avoid small talk
because it leads to big talk,
and that leads to friendship.
Next thing you know, you're having four kids
with someone who'll leave you.
It feels like the good times are always ending,
and you never know if there are gonna be more around the bend.
When I saw the looks on the kids' faces tonight,
I thought, this isn't just my problem anymore.
I've been standing in the way of them enjoying themselves
because of my stupid heart.
Well, then knock it off, Beef. I mean, put it in perspective.
We're on a planet in a solar system
in one of two trillion galaxies,
in a universe in a multiverse
that contains an infinite number of pocket universes,
and, well, if you met a beautiful lady
who was fun for a while before she wasn't,
and she gave you four great kids who love you,
then you're probably doing okay.
So, you better have fun with us now
while the funnin's good, you big lump.
- Thank you, Londra. - All right, Beef,
are you ready to head back in?
I got some brand-new small talk I could loan you.
Get this, I hear Whippleton is getting a Del Taco.
That is big news, but I have an idea
of how to take this gathering of knife club to the next level.
It's time to show my painful good memories who's the boss.
- All right. - It's me.
- I'm the boss. - I got that.
With a deconstructed martini hat,
you have to be careful not to just suck in the gin part
'cause it can burn the jahoobies out of your mouth.
That was straight gin.
Oh, my crikey.
Oh, no. I'm actually meeting some people.
Are you here to formally disown us, Dad?
I can call the family notary,
and we can get the paperwork going.
Actually, no. I brought my knife club here to,
as they say, "make a YOLO."
They definitely don't say that, Dad,
but welcome to paradise.
Or should we welcome Crocodile Rob's
to the human version of paradise,
our dad.
I thought you hated this place
because of all the bad times you had here with Mom.
Actually, I avoided it because me and your mom
had so many good times here, and, well, that's over.
But we can make new good memories here, starting tonight.
Oh, Dad, full disclosure, we also went to the bowling alley,
Ta-Da's, the owl sanctuary, and Danky's.
Oh, God, you went to Danky's?
Oh, don't worry, we didn't go in.
Good, but I'm glad you went
to those other fun places.
It's okay to remember that there were and are
some very fun things about your mother.
Like how she put on that Pinhead mask
whenever we got food delivered.
And if you didn't want to go to school, she'd be like,
"Sure, that place sucks anyway."
And she could hang off the bottom of a Jeep
- for hundreds of miles. - She sure could.
Now, where is that waiter?
I want to order the Russell Crowe Brussel Bowl.
Like the team from Harkins Real Estate.
Janet just sold her first townhouse.
There was nothing
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH